my brain is too small and my pride is too big. arg. jesus save me. jesus saves me.

i am such a failure. such a failure. thanks be to God who takes our fears and failures.

set your mind on things above NOT on earthly things.

whatever is true, noble, pure, lovely, admirable - think about these things. (which is JESUS)

and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ.

O my God. I am so sorry.

the rebels guide to joy in anxiety; Philippians 4; pastor mark driscoll;
in everything that is lame and sucky, joy can also be found. we can complain about anything but we can also find joy in anything. we can choose to be anxious in nothing. can i really choose not to be stressed by working it out with Jesus? do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with supplication and thanksgiving present your requests to God. do i use stress and anxiety as a blank check to do with what i want?
"your response is your responsibility."
and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will be given to you as a gift.
don't treat anxiety as God instead of Jesus.

i'm sick of being single.

i dubbed today hard core study day a long time ago and i'm already tired and sick of it...i am seriously dizzy though i think i will lie down for awhile and then get my butt to the library.

i just got an email from my ywam india friend joseph. his dad died a few days ago. his email is hard to understand cos the english isn't that great, but it appears he was hit by someone driving a train drunk. joe also said that the govt offered him a job but since he is a pastor he told them he didn't want the job. that is the really interesting part to me. this culture is still very much based on bribery and such so the govt prob offered him a job to kinda cover up stuff and offer restitution kind of deal. the sociologist in me finds that fascinating. the humanitarian in me finds that infuriating. the plain ol stephanie in me is praying for joe and his family and saddened by the whole thing.

i feel depressed and lonely and trapped...quite literally trapped. peeps who don't like me are in my apartment so i don't want to leave my bedroom. i'm so sick of living like this. i cannot wait for this year to be over. erg, i can't think like that though cos i have a long ways to go.

i'm just like stewing in my own misery too and cannot focus on the paper i'm trying to write.

though satan should buffet; though trials do come, let this blest assurance control - that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed his own blood for my soul

can i just have my own opinions on things...and is that okay? can i really decide what i think is my political viewpoint and biblical interpretation and the truth not based on what my parents think, my professors think, certain pastors think, certain influential guys or friends think?? is there an absolute truth in politics? i believe there is absolute truth and that God is sovereign and omniscient so it must be less in deciding what i believe that matters and more figuring out who God is in politics. what is God doing with taxes, the economy, social justice, even homosexual marriage...if God is in control than he must have lessons to teach through it all. a lot of the time i feel like i just cannot stomach being conservative, but there is so much about the Democratic political party that is out of line.

"in this world you will have trouble, but take heart - i have overcome the world." jesus

i feel so confused about so much...but then i don't.

religion believed there is a list and the good things are on the list and if you obey them you're a good person, various people just have various lists that they adhere to. the thing on the list could then be that there is no list. it doesn't have to be this way when we gain jesus. our righteousness is apart from the law (the list of shit we have to do...it is biblically accurate to say shit. read philippians 3:1-11). he gives us his righteousness. religious people are dogs; religion is rubbish. jesus is everything.

teehee, this is fun/funny.
on my birthday (april 16 1987) the number one song was I Knew you were waiting by Aretha Franklin and George Micheal. never heard of it, haha.
on my 18th birthday the number one song was Candy Shop by 50 cent. sick.
on my 16th birthday the number one song was In da Club by 50 cent. what's with the 50 cent!?
on my 10th birthday the number one song was Can't nobody hold me down by Puff Daddy and Mase.
on my 13th birthday the number one song was Maria Maria by Santana.

funny.

http://www.thisdayinmusic.com

i default to thinking about what sucks and what could change and all the crap in the world and in my life. this pessimism has followed me for a long time and i wonder how much of it is just part of my personality and how much of it is the enemy robbing me of my joy. that line has become very blurred.

i am a blessed person. i am thankful for my salvation through Jesus and how i am given his righteousness undeservedly. this thankfulness is different than all other kinds of thankfulness because i really really don't deserve it because i am by nature an object of wrath.

i am blessed and i am thankful. for my education, family, friends, housing and food, all the material blessings that i seemingly cannot live without, music...the list could go on and on because there is so much. thanks God! sometimes i wonder why i get to have the life that i have and why others lives are so much harder. i dunno.

i so knew it was gonna be a rough year; i knew things were going to suck in some ways. it's not really so bad though...in light of eternity. it's only bad when i forget my MANY blessings, and that is so foolish.

i lift my eyes to the hills. my help comes from the Lord. he will not let my foot slip and he will not slumber as he watches over my coming and going. the Lord watches over me and is the shade at my right hand, "the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night."

lest i forget that God is my help, sheer folly.

"in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world" - my best friend said this. he must have been like perfect or holy or something... ;)

what a wretch i am; who can save me? thanks be to GOD. my Jesus; he saves me.

"what happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command into a temptation, making a piece of "forbidden fruit" out of it...once sin got its hands on the law code and decked itself out in all that finery, i was fooled, and fell for it."
"Sin simply did what sin is so famous for doing: using the good as a cover to tempt me to do what would finally destroy me...sin did far more mischief than it could ever have accomplished on its own...i've spent a long time in sin's prision. What i don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if i can't be trusted to figure out what is best fo rmyself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary."
"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ...acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."
rom 7; msg

we were crushed and overwhelmed and powerless to do anything for ourselves. but that was good cos then we put everything in to the hands of God, who alone can save us. 2 cor 1.
sometimes, you don't know that God is all you need until you realize that God is all you've got.

chapter 3 of don't waste your life is on boasting only in the cross. piper starts with "the opposite of wasting your life is living life by a single-God exalting, soul-satisfying passion (43)," and he ends with "every enjoyment in this life and the next that is not idolatry is a tribute to the infinate value of the cross of Christ - the burning center of the glory of God. And thus a cross-centered, cross-exalting, cross-saturated life is a God-glorifying life - the only God glorifying life. All others are wasted (59)."

side note: Piper's words in this book are really intense as to what constitutes as a wasted life. I think it is good to think about the reason we live our life and that the utmost reason is to live for Jesus but Jesus also wants us to enjoy our lives, right? (Which would include enjoying rest from retirement which Piper sometimes seems a little bitter towards.)

That is not the point i wanted to blog about this though. The point is that i have thought about this issue before, like what is my single passion for living most simply stated? It deals so much with identity and purpose for life being able to state why you live life the way you do and how you will be living for Christ when you are able to state what your solitary passion is. I have not yet been able to eloquently state my SINGLE PASSION in a sentence or without listing things i care about...but today after reading this chapter, God and I came up with something. So here, we'll call this my working definition of my single passion for life:

My passion is to see myself and others care about their decisions and actions.

As I am thinking about it right now, this seems to encompass all that drives me. Justice, courtesy to others, not living in ignorance, helping others, challenging yourself (especially with your intellect), equality, love, etc etc. Like I said though...working definition. But I am happy to have it right now.

ok so in psalm 40:5 it says "the things you have planned for us no one can recount to you; were i to speak of them they would be too many to declare"
what does this mean for limited vs unlimited views of God's will? makes me think that what i am inclinded to think is at least somewhat accurate, which is, God is all knowing has a plan for our lives but it is not as specific as "monday september 23rd you must do this or you are out of God's will." i think many people agree with this. but what about my career? is "my calling" only one thing that God must tell me or can i change my mind? Basically, if i don't go to law school, am i out of God's will and will I be living out of God's plan or did God know i would not want to go to law school and made me feel like that is what i needed to do for a period of time to teach me something or another. The question i guess is How omnicient is God and how limited is his plan and how free is our will?

and my ta didn't email my poli sci microtheme back to me with comments like they said, so i have no idea if my microtheme sucks but i have to turn it in tomorrow.

and i failed a midterm.

and the annoyances keep piling up...i forgot my cell phone when i left for class so i had to come back to my apartment and get it, cos i work until 4 and have class at 6-8:30 er so and my dad might be trying to call me before my night class and i might consider calling him cos of the new scrape and they leave for hawaii tomorrow so it would not be good for me to not have my phone i guess...so i guess i will be skipping sociology today cos it starts in 7 minutes and well i am not there.

thus i am goign to take a little nap.

lets just add to the mess while we're at it...thinks God...? erg.
last night i park in a tricky spot between a pillar and a car taht parks close to the line on MY side. JERK (first of all). so i was awaiting the day when i would hit that pillar. erg. last night he parked especially close to me and yep car scraped against the pillar. it's pretty bad.

seriously. what the hell??

why did the lame dude have to hit my car!? erg. jerk. okay i need to sort out what i need to do now. so dude didn't want to use his insurance to pay for it cos i dunno, but now i need to get a second estimate for them so i guess thursday is really the only time i can go get it...well maybe tuesday between 1 and 3 if i go somewhere close to the U. Then i need to contact the guy and tell him the estimate and depending when i can do that i'll get my car in thursday, friday, or saturday...my parents are going on vacation so i'm gonna have to try to get my sis to come and pick me up and bring me back to my parents house so i can borrow one of their cars while they are gone still. which also means i'm gonna have to get things sorted out with UV for getting a temp parking pass for my temporary vehicle. i'm worried. it's gonna be about $1000 and we're trusting this guy that he is going to send us a check. i think when i call him back with the second estimate cost i will ask him to either email or mail me a little note saying that he promises to pay me just so i have some sort of intended promise of payment. erg. this is so obnoxious to deal with!!!! i don't have time for this.

the sermon at my chuch today was on forgiveness and restoring relationships. he made a lot of good points and i guess kinda convicted me in some areas...then i got pissy. and right now, i'm crabby. why do i get so crabby?? i'm a christian right so Jesus is suppossed to make me joyful, right? but (and this was an item in the sermon) i think i've been supressing bitterness and it is infriging on my joy. the thing about forgiveness pastor john was saying is when you have fully released the offender, when you think about them it doesn't hurt anymore. matt 18:22, everytime the offense comes to mind, you forgive and release it. "love is not having a reserve in your heart towards someone." Forgiving them releases the power they have over you.
The application of this stuff is hard. it makes me crabby cos i am always saying "yeah God that makes sense, but i don't know how to do this. how does it 'just happen?' I know i can do all things through you who strengthens me, but how? Ask? Trust? Believe? Is it really that simple?"

midterm tomorrow and trying to study but my mind keeps drifting to the state of my life. when i look at my life as a whole - how i treat friends and strangers, how i spend my free time, my thought life, even my music and wardrobe selection lately - i feel like i have a lot of built up hostility, bitterness and even anger. to what...i'm not sure. lately i've been taking it out on popular culture, occasionally masking it as an anger towards "being of the world" and such...but i'm getting tired of being so negative towards everything.

find rest. find rest. lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest. (bradley hathaway).

the other thing i was thinking about while mind wandering while studying is how weird marriage will be if that ever happens for me...who likes others to see their flaws and imperfections? i'm usually pretty open about my messed-up-ness with those friends i feel a connection to and i feel truly love me...so maybe it will be okay. yeah...hopefully i feel comfortable with the hus and like he loves me enough to accept my crazyness...otherwise probably wouldn't be getting married now would we?
...i wonder if i'll ever get married. o Lord i really really hope so...

hm. i am blown away by the wisdom of abby. it's crazy how we do things and don't realize how things line up.
i do get irritated with people easily. i get frustrated when people are disrespectful and discourteous, but i get really frustrated when we live with sin reigning in our lives and don't turn from it. it does overtake me. i really like people and am facinated by the human race (which is why i like sociology) but i cannot let these irritations embitter me. i need to channel my irritation towards fighting injustice and learn to let the little irritations go. do these little irritations really effect me besides an inconvenience or something else on the surface? those little irritations don't change my identity or relationship with God, so maybe they are not a big deal, right? i can exist with righteous anger but i need to stand against petty anger.

i kind of had a revelation yesterday and i'm processing through it. i am not a republican; i am not a democrat. i am not a lutheran, catholic, protestant, evangelical, or charismatic. i am not a socialist or capitalist. i am not calvanist or arminian. i do not need to affix those labels upon myself; those are labels men made up - not God. I am a Christian. Yes maybe i have opinions and views that are similar to liberal views and calvanist views (which is interesting but that's kind of where i find myself...it's quite entertaining actually) but i will not call myself liberal or a calvanist because in each of those views we find flaws and untruth. the only truth is Jesus Christ and I am thus a Christian. the question really is do i really believe that what i think is true is really true (that being Jesus)? that is the ultimate test and answering that with a "yes" is loving God with all your mind (greatest commandment anyone? love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. let us not overlook the mind.) So being a Christian overshadows everything. But the cross is not just yet another thing that makes me a good person thus, there's more to the revelation...

in the words of Pastor Mark Driscoll "living in victory without pain and anxiety excludes Jesus." The cross was not for building up my self-esteem. I've been so wrapped up in the idea that I can only be truly free in Christ when I am not sinning and/or accept my forgiveness and don't feel bad about life. That's not Jesus. Jesus' life really sucked a lot actually. His friends betrayed him and didn't stick by him. He tells us in Matthew 10:22 that "all men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved." Haha, you know this may need to become my life verse for awhile because I am confronted with temptations of the world EVERY SINGLE DAY and people are really starting not to like me because I am trying to say no. My relationship with Christ is not only good when I feel good! Christ had pain (um yeah crucifixion probably sucks), was a victim (yeah trial, false accusations, spat on, etc), despair (whole sweating blood thing), and bad relationships (friends fell asleep when he needed them, family thought he was nuts...). We cannot pursue happiness apart from Christ.

The thing that captured my heart and convicted me was that I have been praying "God set me free. Give me victory over my sins." and i haven't fully realized he already has. Jesus Christ on that cross SETS ME FREE. I am continually washed, sanctified, and justified! I am not free in Christ only when it feels like it. "In this world you WILL have trouble - but take heart, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD(John 15)." I will have trouble and I will be caught in sin - but Christ has overcome it. I may be living for Christ and saying no to drinking and having sex and overeating and feel absolutly miserable because of it because I am not satisfied living in the environment that I do and not doing those things. Everyone around me might HATE me beause of it. But ill "reap a harvest if i don't give up." Am I expressing this as it feels in my heart?? Cos in my heart this feels like the spirit of my mind has been renewed. This did not make sense before; I felt like I had to be happy and feel God's presence in my life in order to be walking victorious in Christ. But when people hate me and I feel pain and troubled - I am still walking victorious in Christ. And i feel like that ALL THE TIME. So that's what it must mean to feel joyful in suffering, eh?

"In this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE, but take heart: I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD." Jesus Christ

a thousand times i've failed, still your mercy remains. and should i stumble again - i'm caught in your grace. everlasting; your light will shine when all else fades. neverending; your glory goes beyond all fame.

the amount of beauty in those words cannot be measured.

i can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on and there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes - still i will praise you.

oh no - you never let go through the calm and through the storm. you never let go of me.

if my God is with me, who then shall i fear!?!?!

i am leading a hidden life. i've always attributed myself as one who does not hide things well. well, i think i've gotten over that because i am hiding. not necessarily from God but from others. i hide my conviction of sin and my hate for my sin because i'm scared of messing up again and giving them the wrong impression of Christians. maybe i need that for accountability though. maybe i need to give it all more time. i've been just kinda going about my life and going and doing my own thing ignoring community as Christ would have it. i'm getting scared of God in a way because i cannot be perfect, but i can be set apart...but that requires commitment doesn't it.

i feel alone. i feel fallen. i am hidden.

you know what would be nice? meeting the perfect guy. yeah a guy who loves Jesus and likes me for me and will pursue. who sees me as worth his time. who has the same taste in music and like to make music and go to shows. who isn't super conservative or super liberal but has an open mind to challenge new things. preferably an indie rocker kinda guy would be sweet too...

so i'm doing weight watchers which is hard for me to tell people about for some reason. it's been about a week and a half and it's hard but not! i just really need to get overeating under control and i prayed about it for quite awhile actually and felt like it was something God wanted me to do. the hardest thing is praying through it all, reminding myself that the main reason is so God is the center of my focus, not food as an instant satisfaction. i've been bothered by my weight for years and have only seen it go up, so hopefully this helps me!
anyway so i was curious and looked up how many point a chipotle burrito is...and a chicken burrito made just how they make it is 28 points!!!!! My daily limit is 26 right now. I mean i'm not suprised i guess, i knew those things were bad for you, but it's just crazy how that one meal is more than my total suggested daily intake and i used to eat those all the time. sick dude.

Feeling you've let your Father (the omnipotent one) down is more upsetting than feeling like men are disappointed in you. However, our Father is the grace-giver, isn't he!? Humans are so reluctant to give grace; it's our nature. Not making excuses, just saying that it is hard for us. When I find out of people's sin, I want the first thought I have to be "God loves them and will give them grace," not "That sin separates you from God and is bad and you are bad because of it."

Lately when I sin, I think, "O crap, God. This isn't want I really want." Seriously if anyone saw my prayer journal from yesterday morning I probably said "Crap God" like ten times. The thing is though that lately I understand God gives me grace and I am not depressed or guilt ridden by my sin (because I've been there and now I pray against that). The grace of God and knowing salvation gives true joy. Jesus is my friend. And I really really like him.

"Shall we then keep sinning so grace can increase all the more? Certainly not." says Paul. But we will always be sinning cos we are not God. How can we not sin? We cannot. Ah. This is humanity's struggle isn't it? We know sin is bad and we shouldn't sin but we can't help it and can't stop sinning. God gives us grace but we shouldn't keep sinning because we know God will give us grace...it's a paradox isn't it?

it's funny how you can know what you need to do and/or are supposed to be doing but cannot implement it. isn't this the empirical dilemma of the college student (concerning school matters i guess). oof. that's been so much of my life. but God is helping me walk away (FINALLY.) It's amazing. Things are far from perfect and I'm not yet completely where i want to be but God is taking me in steps at a time. Whoo!

the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. let that not be a list i/we ramble off.

in the quiet, in the stillness i know that you are God. in the chaos, in confusion i know that i am restored. when you call i won't refuse; each new day again i'll choose - there is not one else for me.

something is up. lets be honest. something is wrong . i know because i'm biting my nails and overeating which is how i react to stress and/or depression (and spending money, but i dont have a lot to spend but i have bought a few unnecessary things lately). i can think of about 20 things that by themselves i have written off as a stressor but not a huge deal. maybe all of them added up is stressing me out. i hope this goes away cos i dont like biting my nails and overeating. it makes me feel gross. i was gonna do some soc reading but now i think it's best if i just go to sleep cos i feel cruddy.

i hope that someday i will write a book. someday when i am older and wiser. i once asked God for the gift of wisdom, which he has given at the times he deemed right, and i think that would be a sweet way for that to come out. i bet it would probably mention somewhere in there the approximate total dollars spent on "coffee" at dunn bros, caribou, starbucks, and all the indie coffee shops while i was in college and how that total may have been close to what i was paying for my actual education...ha.

it's a shame no one reads my blog. not cos i think i'm cool and that peeps should read it, in fact the opposite...i think peeps would be entertained by my triviality and/or stupidity...ha again!!

i'm a product of my independent culture. in a way, i need my independence so survive my culture. without it, my 20 plus years of mostly singleness would have been miserable. but i do go most things alone. my closest friends and family don't know all my issues although i generally tell people what's goin on when i ask. i don't like to hide stuff, which is maybe why it's so hard. i let diff people know different things and if all my friends sat and talked about me then maybe they'd know me. i'm just sick of it. i want community. i want inclusivenesses. i want to see the love of Jesus, in so many ways.

you just truly never know how much time you have. i've driven on that bridge so many times. i would've been driving on it tues night had i gone to edina and it could've easily broken then too. my dad and i drive on the 10th st bridge right across from 35w everyday and were on that one 45 minutes before 35w collapsed. but i've been avoiding that part of 35w all summer cos the construction was so annoying. it's crazy how big of a deal this is though. national news, network journalists flying in, president is involved and flying in...it's just so crazy.

i have been thinking about this almost non-stop since it happened. people may kind of wonder why as i am safe and besides having to add some extra time to my commute it didn't really affect me, on the surface. as far as i know, none of my friends were anywhere near there when it happened. you just really never know what day may be your last. just looking at the people who texted me...jess, laura...those are the relationships that matter. i'm so grateful for my life. i want to go home and be with Jesus whenever it happens I am ready for it, but at the same time I am very grateful for my life. A home with my family always waiting, my friends, the opportunity for education...i am blessed. God is good. Even when things are disastrous and don't make sense, God is very good.

you just never know. that phrase keeps repeating over and over in my mind. you just never know. "don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself," cos you don't even know if there will be a tomorrow. you just never know.

there is a cultural trend in my generation and the previous one, we are all waiting until we are older until we get married. my mom and grandma married at 21. I am 20 and would be okay with being married if that's where God calls, but everyone today thinks that 20 is way too young to get married. Most women are waiting until they are almost 30 to get married. so i was thinking why is this? I have several ideas, some have secular reasons and some Godly reasons...

1. Divorce. God has seen the pattern of divorce so prevalent in this society, so he is calling more of us to a longer season of singleness to know him better and to teach us about ourselves and each other so that we are truly complete in him when we do marry. However, this implies that we are actually seeking God's will for our lives and listening to him.

2. Feminism and the Male ego. We all want to have their our together and want to have made a name for ourselves in our careers before pursuing a relationship. With money being so difficult for a lot of people, this could be a decent idea, but what if you miss something God had for you because you were so focused on "my life must be perfect before I allow myself to be in a relationship?" We are sinners and our lives will never be perfect.

3. Immaturity and "Wild oats to sow." Our culture throws the idea of serial dating and kissing whoever and sleeping around in order to find a good relationship. Therefore, many of us spend our lives partying and dating and hooking up unconcerned with the future, unconcerned with legacy, unconcerned with how Jesus modeled relationships. We go throughout college single because we don't want to be tied down. We don't want responsibility. We are told to "get to know" as many men and women as possible before you are married because once you're married...that is it. We think of marriage as a prison (ball and chain) instead of a beautiful representation of Christ's love for the church and taking her as his bride. Complete opposites.

Maybe there isn't a reason, but it is interesting to consider. I would like to think it is the first one, maybe it is for some, but the other 2 reasons are indeed what some are doing in our culture. However, God is calling us to be careful in who we date and all the more careful in choosing who we will marry. Singleness is a gift and can/should never be taken back once it is gone. So marriage at 21 or at 35, whatever would glorify my God!

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you..this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and would their weak conscience YOU SIN AGAINST CHRIST. Therefore if what i eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.
1 Cor 8:9-13

Or if how I dance, how I dress, how I speak causes my brothers or sisters to sin, I will stop it so I will not cause him to fall. O how I wish we lived like this. I wish we valued each other like we value Christ. This is convicting, challenging, and heart breaking, because I definitely do not see this happening. What if my friends cared enough about me to not drink around me because they know I'm tempted and not 21? What if they loved me enough to not make sexual jokes because they know I think it's inappropriate and it's hard? Honestly, I'd still feel bad cos I'd feel like they were just trying to baby me while I was around. Not so much with the drinking, but with the joking, but with the joking I feel that's a heart issue and we shouldn't be joking like that at all. "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." But what if we loved each other enough to do this? This is why I've been trying to dress more modestly lately. This is the biggest conviction I've ever had to do so, that if what I do causes my brother to fall I will not do it because that is true love. So I will cover myself because I love my brothers. I just wonder who Jesus is trying to be right now and how are we limiting it because of "freedom" becoming too free to the point of being completely in the world. it just doesn't seem right that your Christian friends joke about sex and drink more than your non-Christian friends. "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." isnt that holy? shouldn't we not defile it with coarse joking? i just don't think we should be really accepting some of the things which we have been accepting for years.

"seek first his kingdom."

holy cow i am bored. so this blog will have nothing intelligent or interesting, just me venting and sorting out some technical stuff.
so...i think i'm going to end up paying about $700 to park my car at my apartment building. the website says it's $85 a month but i hope they don't be like you have to pay for a whole semester instead of monthly...cos the main reason i need my car is to get to awol (well and to go to the guy's house and such but wtev) and we don't have much awol in december and the semester doesn't start up again until january 22nd and i think i'm gonna be out of town most of winter break anyway so i dont wanna pay for those months or may cos we don't have awol in may...and i dunno if they call a "month" like aug 15 to sept 15 or all of august cos i'm moving in aug 15 so i dont wanna pay for all of august if i'm only getting 15 days. but the dumb people when i call and when i email can't answer my questions straightly. obnoxious. i love this school but this is lame. aw well i'm trying to look at it this way, if i went to bethel i'd be paying $30,000 a year for everything and i'm paying close to $20,000...maybe i can spring for the parking...i really really want my car. and the streets are not a good option as i discovered this morning. if i'm coming home late at night i do not want to be walking alone in the dark out there. i think the money for the safety of myself and my car may be worth it...except i am very poor. but i just had an interview and if they give me the job i'd be able to work at the library still this month and start working at this place for the rest of august...might have to do some schedule jumbling at the library but hopefully it'd be okay. that'd be nice cos i'll get more hours. the info desk job pays $8 per hour until i've done 250 hours and then it pays almost $8.50. so if i like it hopefully i could work like full time next summer and get like $8.50 and i guess you can pick up shifts being security at random coffman stuff like checking bags or coats and get $10 an hour...wow this would be sweet if it worked out. i don't interview well. i always fumble the questions they ask and talk too fast and act awkward. bah! i need to take that class like showing you how to write a resume and interview and all that. i should cos i need some crap credits to graduate early like i want/could. i wonder if i'll end up going to law school . William Mitchel is about $15,000 for tuition. that's pretty much the cheapest i've found. if i could get reciprocity for UND (which looks like MN doesn't which SUCKS) their tuition is like $9000. I kinda don't want to live in Grand Forks, but holy cow St. Thomas tuition is like $30,000. That's just tuition, include costs of living (could live at home...nooooo Steph wants to be married by then and living at home will not be conducive to that plan) and I'm up to like $40,000 a year. Ack, why is life so expensive??

Do not worry about your life. The clothes in your closet, the numbers on the scale, the amount in your bank account. Isn't life more important than the comforts of money and skinny-ness? And why do you worry about where and when you'll shop? Look at Indian women who have no money and yet dress so vibrantly and full of life. Even an abercrombie model in all their hotness does not look as beautiful as she. Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come and go regardless of your stress.

this summer is going by waaaay too slow.

tonight i realized that i am a fundamentalist. to be honest i don't think i really grasped what the word meant and i think i don't fully, but we had some pretty intense theological conversation tonight and i realized yeah, i kind of have become a fundamentalist. and i think it's right.
i believe GOD wrote the Bible and it is perfect and true and those who call themselves Christians need to use the Bible as the be all and end all because the whole Bible is ultimately about Jesus. Yes men are flawed and imperfect but one way or another in God's omnipotence he oversaw all that was being put into the Bible because "in the beginning was the Word [big W not little w] and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning." Jesus was always there and his Word is GOD in the flesh. We cannot base our lives off feelings which are fleeting and flawed. How do we always know for sure we are hearing God's voice? The Bible is our gift, because through the Bible we can experience who God is. He tells us his character on each page.
i believe God is all powerful. i believe God is always present. i believe God is all knowing. and i believe his word is perfect and true. if that makes me a fundamentalist, fine i accept the negative connotations with the word fundamentalist and take the label.

i don't want to make wrong assumptions but it's like i can't fight my woman's intuition to think/overthink when i observe the actions of others. however i'm not stupid, and as much as i'd like to assume the best and give others the benefit of the doubt...

i hate alcohol. i hate that it's such a big deal for people. i hate how it pretty much killed my grandpa physically and did completely destroy his family. i hate how it is such a temptation for so many. i hate how people get addicted. i hate how it turns good people into being irresponsible and inconsiderate. that's why God is God and we are not. he knew what he was talking about when he said "hey, don't get drunk it's gonna make you do dumb stuff. instead, be filled with the spirit." filled with the spirit. that's all the drink i need.

it is not good to be alone he said. how can i satisfy my desire to serve others when i am going to be the one in need of other's service?

will i be able to fulfill my calling? will my friends, family, strangers, and the rest of the world be okay with me doing something else? will they believe me when i say that my desire to be a mom is just as strong as my desire to be a lawyer and i know God doesn't mind whichever way i go as long as i glorify him? the world does not accept that. this world of feminism and working mothers does not accept a stay at home mom as a full time job. and i don't need to do it forever, but for a period of time i do because i want to be the woman raising my kids. i want them to know me and i want to know them. why is that so iffy? shouldn't it be beautiful? i guess one could think i'm wasting my 4 year degree but it's not like i'm never ever going to work and my major is going to be diverse enough that i could do many jobs. and even marriage and kids aside...i don't know if law school is for me. i don't feel God called me to law school specifically, it is just one way i can satisfy the calling he's placed in me to fight injustice. it's broad, it's not limited just to law school - so why do i limit it? children having crappy parents and not believing they are loved and growing up not knowing the goodness of Jesus Christ is the ultimate injustice.

Sometimes it seems whenever i feel i'm getting a handle on it all and really understanding the character of God, something is thrown into the mix and messes me all up again. maybe that's how it should be though. we will never be able to have it all together and life will never make perfect sense, otherwise what would we need God for? I need God cos I am such a mess and completely depraved individual. My sins deserve death. How humbling to really consider, and really understand, that every sin is a wound Christ had to bear on the cross. Each transgression. Sometimes it seems Christianity is all about finding balances. Because it's finding the balance between not dwelling on sins to the point of self-deprication and admitting we are depraved people which we can humbly accept grace. And we'll never be able to completely get a handle on it. So praise be to God, cos he can handle it for us.

i need to plan my jumpstart for camp. but i'm gettin tired. i'm watching music and lyrics but not really watching it...just registered for my LPE screening test which is like 3 days after i get back from camp...i need to do well on it. bah.

mexico was pretty sweet. lotsa interesting-ness. the class was pretty intensive and kinda difficult. learned a lil salsa, traveled around a lil bit, found a few drinks i really like...all in all twas a pretty decent experience. i just missed my friends a lot, so it's been nice to chill with them this week.

finals done. 5 days until mexico. you know, it hasnt fully registered that i am going to another country in 5 days. i'm excited i guess, but i feel suprisingly indifferent. i think i'm just that way though, i only get super excited/anticipatory a) when the event is a long ways away and b) the day before leaving. it was the same way with india. i did realize today that i probably should brush up on my spanish a lil bit as i've been out of practice for a few months and am about to embark on complete submersion. oof. i pray this experience goes well, wouldn't it be great if i came home with super sick spanish skills??

one day er so left. boys have all either left or are moving out right now. had a poli sci final this mornin and i think it went pretty well. i have to go to work in an hour and i don't wanna. i still have a geology final tomarrow morn (yep on a saturday) and i don't wanna. everyone else is done but most are just not leaving until tomarrow. erg. i am tired. this week has been very stressful. sucks cos i've been cramming like crazy but all i've wanted to do is chill with people cos we're all leaving. dang it. and i havent even looked at my geo stuff for my final tomarrow and now tonight is friday night. but i imagine it will be pretty quiet around here since the boys are all gone. :( sad times! this was a good year. erg, i might go nap...? ooh and a week and a day until i leave for mexico!! exciting but a lil nerveracking. me=overloaded.

Last night Zach asked what my goals were for my 20th year (well actually he asked what my "desires" were, and we all thought that was quite funny, but i think you needed to be there). i think i said a few things like know what i'm going to major in, be there for my girls as much as possible/be a better counselor, get to know jesus better, eagerly await until i turn 21 (but patiently), and maybe meet the husband (wishful thinking there, haha).

20 years now. 1/5 of a century. I was thinking today that it'll be 2017 when i turn 30. Heh heh.

Life thus far in summary: Moved 5 times before fourth grade, all towns lived in were small towns in Minnesota until the final move to the Twin Cities (where we stayed). i was the youngest child so i was kinda needy, whiny, wants attention. Middle school = ick. High School = choir. Mostly was single during high school. Started to go to awol and redeemer in 9/10th grade. Went on the mission trip to San Francisco and met many of the friends i still have today. Finally became social during these years! Went to prom and some other dances which i never thought i would get to go to when i was younger. Graduated. Single!! :) Went on Dts, first in Seattle and then outreach to India. Decided I wanted to be a lawyer so i could fight injustice. Got home in the spring and then waitressed. Whoo. College. Almost done with my first year at UMTC. Still single! It's been quite the crazy year. There are several things I wish would have happened differently and a few choices I regret, but also a ton of wonderful things have happened and a lot of things have been put into perspective. I've learned more about my character. It's been the hardest year of my life thus far and my world has been rocked in many ways.

After 1/5 of a century, I feel I have only just begun to scractch the surface of my identity. Each year we grow and change and learn more about ourselves and how our creator chooses to display himself through us. This is how it should be.

Does "love" need to be redefined? our culture has definatly defiled the meaning of love. ultimately, jesus is the meaning of love. 1 John 4:8 states "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Jesus is God. Jesus is love.
The dictionary says love is: "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; a sexual passion or desire."
Is this untrue? Or is it just not enough?
I've been convicted to realize that this culture's ideas about "romanticism" are not biblical. I'm learning to believe conventional dating, chick flicks, and our ideas about being rescued are not how the bible defines romance. The bible defines romance within the context of marriage. I think this is why so many women in recent years have been struggling with how to effectivly live as a single woman, due to the cultural trend of women getting married later and later (which by the way i've kinda decided i'm not a big fan of, for several reasons, but it's alright and in God's hands so i'm not worried).

John 15:12-14 - [Jesus speaking] "This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
This passage has captivated me lately, because it is basically defining true LOVE as laying down your life for your friends - and that's what Jesus has done. We cannot begin to measure up. We are friends of Jesus, therefore we must lay down our lives for him. Putting nothing before him. This has also been hitting me heavily lately. (It's been wonderful.)

Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb; DC Talk was right. This is why dating is weird, because it's all based off feelings. I dunno about other people, but mistakes I've made with relationships and crushes and all that sort of thing has taught me that sometimes my feelings are not reliable. Feeling are definatly not always holy. So I want to say that having feelings for someone is not a good enough reason to pursue a relationship...which does kind of suck because everything in this society tells us otherwise. I cannot just completely deny my desires to be romantisized (or wo-ed or hit on or whatever you want to call it) just like that. I've been primed to desire a man to swoop in and be my hero. But the Bible teaches me that JESUS IS THE HERO! And he's so much more than enough.

1 Cor 13:4-6: Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous, boastful or proud. It is not rude; it does not demand it's own way. It is not self-seeking. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

That's love. Not a feeling, not a physical attraction that grows into something. It's different. It's hard to comprehend. It must be worked at and treated as an action and not just an emotion. It must be valued. It must be considered within the context of the cross. Will I love my future husband with the love that Christ displayed on the cross? I pray with all my heart that I will.

life is not worth living if only because of you. and when they say that i am dead and gone - it won't be further from the truth.

but i'll tell you flat out it hurts so much to think of this - so from my thoughts i will exclude the very thing that i hate more than everything - how i'm powerless to dictate my own moves.

when i go down it hurts to hit the bottom.
and all the things that got me there, i think "if only i had fought them."

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands; my ever-present 'conscience' shakes his head and repremands me then and there. "i confess - i blame all this on my selfishness."
yet you love me.
it consumes me.
i'll stand up again and do so willingly.

i've thrown away the hope i've had in friendships; i've thrown away so many things that could have been much more.

and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
but that's not the way it works.
no, that's not the way it works.

i'm so ready to be found.

relient k - when i go down.

this blog will be very scattered as i am tired and kinda hyper all at the same time. first of all...i've decided whoever my future husband is is going to have to hold his own and set me straight...but lovingly and encouragingly...cos sometimes i just like to talk and ramble and i get excited and passionate and kinda spew inaccuracy. whoever that dude is - he's gonna rock and it will be sweet. second of all...i think i'm going to get my butt kicked this semester unless i ace all my finals which will most likely not happen. third of all, abby is going to mozambique! luckily its only for 3 weeks. but then theres finals week, one week off and then i leave for mexio. i tell ya, every chance i get to spend time with her i am grateful for the woman she is, how she cares about me, and how much i see jesus in her. fourth of all...these past few weeks or so have been different for me, but in a good way. there have been days i've felt like everything just makes perfect sense. i love when it feels like that, but it cannot always be that way because salvation and our relationship needs to be a process and continually growing. i understand that and know that's how it should be. it's hard when your past is literally breathing down your spine and when friends are the ones leading you into temptation. my hope is in more. it's hard, but encouraging when you find yourself in the situation where you can go one way or the other and you chose the latter. "cos now that you're near everything is different. and i know i'm not the same; my life you've changed. and i want to be with you." -hillsong

yes, my somewhat-core group of friends/brothers & sisters in JC have hurt me at times. they've made me feel worthless. the opposite is true too. i've felt more love from some of these same people than anyone ever in my life. i've seen Jesus though them, and I feel that completely trumps and erases the few times i've felt ignored. at times i've felt bad, i've thought about leaving. "i have some good friends at school and i can be with them." but i can never do that, and i was wondering why. i think i know, it's because some of those people i have known for a long time now and they have seen me in every way. they've seen me filled. broken. fallen. down. out. depressed. raised up again. pressing on. passionate. yes i've met good people here - but they still don't know me in that intimate way that i crave, and with classes and pursuing our goals taking up our time, it's hard to find time to have the conversations that create intimate relationships. maybe that's why i get annoyed here time to time, cos it's like there are still parts of me these people don't know, and it's not like i'm trying to hide anything - it just hasn't happened yet.

its interesting how with technology we've migrated from political cartoons to youtube videos and such. i thought this one was funny: http://www.jibjab.com/what_we_call_the_news

theres a mountain of snow outside right now. the university of minnesota is not closed although all the other colleges in the area are...augsberg is right next to us (literally across the street on the west bank) and they're closed, not us! wtev, it's okay - i'm just very exhausted.

posessing intrapersonal intelligence includes having an accurate perception of your strengths and weaknesses. i just wrote a psych paper on how having intrapersonal intelligence is important. i've been wondering if mine isn't what i think it is, which is kinda a paradox if you think about it. i just wondering where i can draw the line of not doing things in your own strength and not doing things because i really can't.

well i need to go trek through the snow to go to class and then work.

man i'm tired.

today as i was photocopying and listening to mars hill podscasts (aka working) i was thinking about what if jesus had been married. and i know he wasn't (da vinci code is pure fiction and the hype is nonsense), and i don't believe it was either God's plan for him to take a wife AND/OR was it a desire of his heart for him to. But what if it had been? I dunno, I don't think it would have made that big of a difference, but maybe it would have given us a better idea of how to treat our spouses. Hmmm, but if he'd have married, the woman is not God as he is and is therefore imperfect. So how would that work? She'd sin against him eventually, but he'd forgive her. He'd be tempted to get angry with her, or ignore her or something of that sort - but wouldn't. Hmmm...would it have given us a better picture of marriage? Or would it just pose more problems?
Looking at the book of Ruth and all the sacrifices Boaz made for Ruth and also how Ruth respected Boaz...just the wisdom of both of them...I just get frustrated because there just don't seem to be men out there who want to be the pursuer. I am willing (and frankly excited) to submit to my future husband, but he has to be wise enough to earn that trust, you know? And that's biblical - woman's role as the "helper," cos somtimes...they need a lil help. Haha.

i love the jp moreland quote that says "people's character isn't formed by decisions all at once, but by thousands of little choices they make everyday wihtout even knowing about it." i've been thinking about decisions i've made and how they've effected my life. like what would have happened if i'd have picked a different college? never gone on dts? stayed with ywam? never gone to redeemer? i dunno. good thing my identity isn't based on a certain decision, but by the ways i express who i am. good thing....right??

God is so interesting. And i know we will never understand everything, and sometimes it's painful to try. I just spent the last 5 days at Faith Haven counseling my high school girls about relationships and sex. Tonight I had a tricky conversation with my Dad about like abortion and boundaries and grey areas with the subject. My sister just came home and we just spent the last hour discussing male/female roles in the church and in relationships and society. It's interesting cos I'm pretty much all about the heirarchy of God, then Man, then Woman - however respecting each other and putting God first. I feel like people want to believe so badly that men and women are equal in all respects - esp when it comes to teaching in the church...but the Bible simply does not say that. It says repeatedly that women should be silent - but yes women were uneducated so it's moreso a call for women to be educated, but men are also an authority figure and women should repect and submit to that. It's interesting though. I guess I believe women are called to be smart and wise, and to have nobel character - but men are also called to be responsible, loving, nurturing, wise and know their Bible so they can answer their wives questions, respectful, etc. Both sexes have responsibilities God wants - and both fall short. It's not fair to blame a gender for the downfall of society or lame a gender for problems (like concerning abuse). We need to understand our differences and rather than point the finger at each other we should embrace how we each reflect the character of God differently.