a life spent in retreat to an isolated chamber
a life spent in dependence upon false comfort
a mind that begs to rest in omnipotence but cannot seem to trust
the flesh urges to use what is fleeting, whatever it deems it must

a life spent under covers, layers of tucked away shame
a life spent doing whatever the moment deems it may
a heart that desires things greater than the flesh
a body which stives, strains, moans, cannot find rest

don't ya hate it when you're convinced you just met your future husband and then find out a few days later he's married has kids and is like ten years older than you AND is going to be teaching a course you're taking?? hahahaha. gosh. funny stuff. aw well.

would i be at the U as a Soc major if i'd have really searched my heart? did I ask and wait rightly in asking for God to speak and lead? or am I so sorta estranged to myself that I still can't state one job, career, or field I feel called to?

should i be scolding myself for this? begging for God to call me to social work or teaching or culinary school and just put myself in more school accordingly...i hate that idea right now. i want so desperately to finish in a year and get a job and MOVE OUT and get married and have kids. that's what i want and i want a job that i'm good at and will enjoy and correspond to my passions.

i think my view about this is very patrick dodson-y merged with my dad's experience/teaching to me.

i want a job where i have the opportunity to show compassion to others. to be a leader for others. to have responsibilities that i enjoy fulfilling. where i am intellectually challenged and can challenge others to think critically about the place we all are in. a non-white majority environment. a not super stressful and controlling boss with corporate standards and pressure to be perfect all the time. one that provides an opportunity to help the poor. one where i can be challenged to be creative and encourage others to think outside the box, their limited scope of the world, and challenge them to care about the WORLD, not just themselves.

Psalm 48:14: For this God is our God for ever and ever. He will be our guide even to the end.

Well, that's good news.

my head hurts. i hate how much politics and government influences life and worldview. perhaps i am a little nieve about how i'm going to have to live in this world - but eveyrthing just sees so messed up and crazy and i wish i could just move...but i know that wouldn't make life easier. maybe just go to heaven...that'd be alright. i just want to cry my eyes out when i think of assimilating into this twisted consumer driven self seeking nation. what am i talking about though - i assimilate daily and i'll just be getting "the man" to pay me instead of giving all my money to "the man." it's just horrible to learn about all this coruption the pursuit of wealth has had on our culture but feeling powerless to change it...so now it's as a chist following individual, how much should i fight and how much do i have to compromise in order to pursue my passions in life?

i jsut want to mix everthing all up and i wish i could turn this culture upside down like Jesus did. i want my education inspiring me but not forcing me to think only their way. perhaps i did not give enough thought to what school i should go to. therefore, my goal should be to think objectively and compassionately, not just critically. i think i have become so cynical and critical of everything. is being rich always a sin, is the death penalty always wrong...maybe, i dunno. but the way Lisa has taught us to "always critique the place we are in" has made me bitterly critical. so let's morph this life goal: Always critique the place I am in while always thinking compassionately about my neighbor.

ahhhhh i cannot stand sarah palin. i cannot and will not align myself with a politial party but i will be voting for obama. i am sitting watching this VP debate and its like every time sarah palin opens her mouth she is expressing how much she is an idolator of nationalism - she worships America and all the operations of neoliberalism. "country comes first." she just said that. our best interests. getting us all rich. i mean biden is also just said we should be the best nation in the world. he's been saying what their ticket is saying is best for building up America too, but the republicans are just so crazy inbedded in capitalism and the rhetoric is all trying to make it sound like "i don't want to raise ANYONE's taxes" so that the rich people are included in the anyone. no. their taxes need to be raised to help out the poor people they oppressed. the deregulation of economic practice is why so many are poor and got shoved out of their homes and jobs!

iraq is not our country. why have we made it our job to instill their government? it's not ours. we can't even govern ourselves, why are we instilling a new infrastructure there?? we're building their country - who gave us the authority to do that? we went in and got the bad guy out, ok fine. but why are we their forceably adopted mother when the people could figure out how the want to do it given their culture and traditions? why can't we look to leaders among the people and hand them the reigns...because we like America being in power and having control of the world, right?

from what i am hearing, the republican ticket for this election is selfish. i'm not thinking about me and how i'm gonna survive, i know i'll get by. the republicans are thinking about catering towards the middle class so they can still have their dreams of upward mobility and getting rich. they don't want to help the people on the bottom that the deregulation of business in the 90's forced there. they want America to be wealthy, powerful, neoliberal, prosperous, the best, an easy life, you name it. it makes me sick. I worship God, not the United States. I put him first, not my country. That's why lets be a little less concerned about how we're gonna keep going and think about how those who have it worse than we do can get up and moving.

why am i not sleeping right now? i wanted to go to sleep almost 2 hours ago and i cannot. i am not tired. but i am also bored and cannot relax. tv isnt doin it. snacks didn't do it. book didn't do it. music didn't do it. perhaps i am insomnia-ing because my mind is a lil wrapped up and confused about the rick warren broadcast and having no idea who to vote for now and fearing ppl will yell at me because i truthfully am now leaning towards McCain when i was so faithfully supporting Obama before...i mean I voted for Obama at the caucuses for pete's sake. But i dunno...when we think long term McCain seems dedicated to fighting injustices in other countries and ensuring our freedom and protection here in the US as well. His morality and ethics most closly align with the biblical worldview where Obama just seems like he wants to please everyone and not ruffle feathers. This seems more post modern to me. In the rick warren interviews, Obama stammered and seemed nervous cos he knew he needed to give the "right" answer in order to win over the evangelical voters but McCain seemed more at ease and gave straight answers. I enjoyed his bluntness even though I didn't agree with every word he said. So yeah i dunno. i don't have to decide tonight but it's some food for thought i suppose.

Oprah is on talking about prowlers and intuition/fear or something. There's a weight loss infomercial on, Hollywood Insider, someone waiving a Bible around, some make money infomercial, a lame talkshow, the antique roadshow, and a blind date show. Quality tv at 1:30am. I want to sleep. Pooo.

i respect respectful men. men who sincerely listen to God and choose to follow God. there are so many who don't or who say they do but choose the truth's they like and ignore others or who just go in it half heartedly or quarter heartedly. a man who loves God loves others. a man who loves God cares less about satisfying his own personal desires and more about the legacy he will leave.

(i respect great Godly women as well, but this is what's on my heart right now)

this scene is bomb. shows both girl power and justice. yes.

i feel i've perhaps misunderstood or just not given enough thought to john 1:1-3ish and now that i'm thinking about it...its seems somewhat duh a little but not...not that i have it all right or anything but this is what is goin through my mind...

so anyway "in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." I'm working on my camp stuff right now which has a lot to do with studying the Bible and using the Word as your cornerstone (foundation for building your life upon). the Word here in John 1:1 capital W, as Matthew Henry explained it in his commentary, is "as our words explain our minds to others, so was the Son of God sent in order to reveal his Father's mind to the world."

So the word here is not just the Bible. The Word is Jesus. The Bible is not a member of the trinity so the Bible itself is not God like Jesus and the Holy Spirit are God. The Bible is like God's voice. Our voices speak to reveal what is on our minds. So the Bible is like God's mind. The Bible is God's tool. The Bible leads us to our savior but it is not itself our savior...? I think it's more complex than that since the Bible does contain the very words of Jesus...

It's so spiritual that I think that's as good of an understanding we can get in our language and humanity. I know the Bible is more to God. It is a weapon. It is a divine gift. It is how God speaks. It is a treasure. It's one of the best gifts he could give. But, Jesus speaks specifically about the gift of the Holy Spirit (which without I would not be able to write a word of this). The Holy Spirit itself is God, a member of the trinity. When we accept Christ we have the eternal omnipotent God living inside us. That is the best gift he could give. God inside our very human selves.

i'm a dirty prostitute. sinful. rotten to the core. undeserving of all that is inaudibly offered to me but i accept it as if i am worthy.
condemning. judgmental. jealous of the way yall walk, talk, weigh, dance, love, listen, follow, include.
seduce-able. weak. caving in to any and every pleasure that pops into my originally unoriginal brain, since i've had years of training that instant worldly satisfaction satisfies.
unbelieving. un-trusting. which is despicable because you've proven you are indeed interested in my life in the past - you think that would be enough.

oh how i long to take heart and be satisfied.
oh how i long to naturally love as you do.
oh how i long to see the beauty you put into me.
oh how i long to go home.
oh how i long to come home.
oh how i long to be home.

good morning!

holy cow, paul is so intensly dedicated and in love with Christ. in phil 1:15-26 n etc he's all like some people are proclaiming Christ out of selfishness and not sincerity just to hurt paul as he's imprisoned. i dunno the situation and how that was possible - but he doesn't care. he's all like meh, it doesn't matter - i rejoice cos the gospel is being preached!! his faith is so strong that he knows this hard stuff he's going through is going to turn out for his deliverance. he knows dying is better and it is a gain - a way into perfection and community with Christ. but he is patient and knows God has things for him to be doing here so he will stay.

he then goes on to encourage unity among them, living a life worthy of the gospel of Christ and then being one in sprirt and purpose, not acting out of selfish ambition but out of humility. so obviously he'd rather those who are preaching the gospel out of selfishness and pride to check themselves because that is not how Christ would have us live/function.

oh so very interesting :)

phil 1:9-10: this is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more with knowledge and full insight to help you determine what is best,
so that in the day of Christ you may be pure and blameless,

as we grow in faith we gain more knowledge and depth of faith/who Christ is and what he loves and desires. "to help you determine what is best...so that you may be blameless." sometimes i get super annoyed that i am convicted of sins that other Christians seem to have no problem with. i have wrestled with the concept of particular sins in that "how can the same activity be a sin for some and not for others? how is that fair?" Before i've come to the conclusion that God judges "fairness;" and that word is hardly used in the Bible. But this verse teaches me that as our love for Christ abounds more and more he gives us more insight on how to live.

i like to cook, but it just seems so impractical to cook up a storm for just me. i've found TONS of cool healthy WW recipes that i've saved on my computer pretty much for when i have a family. i was thinking about this the other day when i was at holy land - cooking is one reason i'm really excited to one day have a family because I'll have people to cook for! i'm totally gonna make my kids try ethnic foods (of course i can make it non spicy for the kiddos). but yeah you need so many ingredients to REALLY cook things and when i'm just a student and don't have a ton of time to cook extravagant things, why would i spend tons of money to buy all sorts of oils and spices and etc when it's just me...i dunno. tonight i made some homeade salsa though and i spent way too much at the grocery store buying the ingredients...and now i have all this cilantro left over. at least i really like cilantro - i can put it in other stuff. i'm hoping my green pepper just fell out of my bag and is in my trunk, cos i just realized that "hey i bought a green pepper that i was gonna put some of in my salsa but it is missing..." and i totally remember getting charged for it and i'm pretty sure i remember throwing it in my grocery bag...but i dunno where it is. teehee, i like food. and i don't have to be ashamed that i like food when i am eating healthily!! i'm definitely no longer a take out pizza and chinese college kid. i'm a go get groceries once a week cos i need my fresh produce college kid.

what is social justice? what kind of work does your organization have to do to be considered a "social justice organization?" does your work have to produce socially compliant results that correspond with either liberalism or neoliberalism? do these social justice organizations do any good...? what do they produce? a socially compliant "good citizen?"

my seattle trip was wonderful. i seriuosly couldn't have asked for a better weekend; it was so much fun and so refreshing. two years since i'd been there and seen dts/ywam friends. wow.

i got in thursday evening and was met by mike, britany, and dave kim. we went over to Brit's parents and they fed me some food cos i was hungry (i ate so much good food this weekend :) ) and i got to watch mike and brit's wedding dvd and see their beautiful wedding photos. we then went to mike and brit's apartment, met the ferrets, rocked a lil guitar hero, and got some sleepy sleep.

friday was the wedding. brit worked in the morning, so mike and dave and I just kinda bummed around puyallup (where mike and brit live - it's just outside tacoma), went to the mall and starbucks (seattle people and coffeeshops...seriuosly, i thought i was bad about going to coffee too often, but a daily coffee stop is normal and sometimes two) and then had lunch at the olive garden. sarah drove from salem and met up with us while we were at olive garden. our reunion was a scene...teehee. oh the joyous occasion!
we then drove to snowhomish for jephta's wedding. it was about 1.5 hr north, but it was a fun drive. it was really fun watching jephta get married. he's so funny - him and his eyebrows...oh boy, you just have to know this guy to get it. the lorde farm venue was beautiful and it was fun seeing sean, heather, and tansi at the wedding as well as jephta and jenny.

saturday was seattle day!! dave kim had to leave early in the morning cos he had another wedding to go to, but mike and brit were buying a timeshare in teh morning (haha) so sarah and i headed up ourselves first and got some serious heart to heart time. twas wonderful. went to the trabant (which is the best chai in the ENTIRE world; it's seriuosly the most amazing thing ever i'm so obsessed with it) walked around the u district and then walked to gasworks and talked and such. it was a beautiul day. we then met mike and brit for lunch at the thai-ger room (my fav thai spot in seattle). after lunch we went downtown and went to pikes, the orig starbucks, and just other shopping places around downtown. for dinner we met up with my dts leader chrissie (ahhh yay!!) and got to see zach and amanda and zara. hadn't seen zara since she was a baby and now shes walking and talking and like 2 yrs old so that was nuts! we went to taste of india for dinner (the best indian food in the city) with chrissie and heather. oh my that was wonderful!!

sunday morin we went to eastpoint foursquare, mike and brit's church, and then had a ginornous lunch at red robin. sarah had to go home after lunch which was sad. mike, brit, and i drove up to see scott, christina and their two little boys. elyas is 3 wks old and i held him. oh me oh my that child is so precious. it was fun to see them and their boys cos christina was still a few months away from having rainen when we left dts. after we visited them, mike, brit and i went back to the u district for a bit. i got some souvineers at the u bookstore :) i wanted WOW bubble tea but it was closed, so we got bubble tea at oasis which i dodn't think was there when we were there. it was good. so we played yatzee and hung out there for awhile. when we got back to their apt brit and i watched cars until i had to leave. they took me to the airport and i flew away.

i've gotten very sporatic sleep as i couldn't sleep much on the flight cos the lady next to me decided to read all night even though the flight was 12:40 am to 5 am...who does that. had to go to work at 10:30...urg i felt so gross. at least all my jane adams stuff tonight was cancelled (but i wasn't gonna go anyway).

i love seattle. i want to move back there. downtown is just soo...alive. there are tons of people and it's a huge area. there's just so much to do and cool places to go. this sounds bad, but minneapolis really sucks compared to seattle. maybe i will move back someday...

teehee.

Ephesians 4:22-25: You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

ahh seriously! it took like 6-7 different bible gateway searches over the past three days to find this verse. i had the phrase in my head to "put off the old self with it's deceitful desires and put on the new self" and i was getting worried cos i wasnt finding those words and i was like "I know it's in there what the heck?" so this is good. thanks bible gateway :)

anyway this verse really speaks to my heart this week. i like it.

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

last night at Jane Addams we were talking about involvement in nature...or lack of connection to nature living in the city. i love the city. i do also love being outside - just not when it's cold. i cannot handle long periods of time outside in the cold. i decide that this spring i want to go on more walks. maybe even jog around lake calhoun. i'm finally in good enough physical shape that i can handle that so i should totally do it.

as far as nature is concerned though, there is nothing better than laying on the dock up at faith haven when the sky is littered with stars. and a picture cannot capture it (unless maybe you have a sweet camera and i do not). theres just absolutely nothing like it.

Fear not, for you shall not be ashamed; neither be confounded and depressed, for you shall not be put to shame. For you shall forget the shame of your youth, and you shall not [seriously] remember the reproach of your widowhood any more.
For your Maker is your Husband--the Lord of hosts is His name--and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of the whole earth He is called. Isaiah 54:4-5, amplified

Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed. Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short. You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth, and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory. For your Maker is your bridegroom, his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies! Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel, known as God of the whole earth. Isaiah 54:4-5, Message

"Do not be afraid, for you will not be put to shame; don't be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. For you will forget the shame of your youth, and you will no longer remember the disgrace of your widowhood.
For your husband is your Maker. His name is Yahweh of Hosts — and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;He is called the God of all the earth.
For the LORD has called you, like a wife deserted and wounded in spirit, a wife of one's youth when she is rejected," says your God."I deserted you for a brief moment, but I will take you back with great compassion.
In a surge of anger I hid My face from you for a moment, but I will have compassion on you with everlasting love," says the LORD your Redeemer. . Isaiah 54:4-8, holman standard

seriuosly this is like the best website ever: http://www.safenow.org/

God blessed me left and right this weekend. I didn't deserve any of it; but wow. Sunday night I was exhausted from being overjoyed. Me. Steph. The one who constantly has to battle for joy felt so overwhelmed with joy for pretty much three whole days that i CRASHED from being joyful. I'm still happy and excited. God wants to pay attention to me. He really really does meet my needs like insane crazyness - wow does he ever. He cares about my life - I GET TO GO TO VISIT SEATTLE FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh boy. Yay! Good stuff dude.

megan said something beautiful last night about how each day is a trust fall into his arms. that completely grabbed ahold of my heart. i felt the Lord really free me this weekend of feeling like i have to obsess about food and my body. it wasn't in the way i had expected, it wasn't this dramatic sense of something leaving my body. i woke up saturday morning, and i was like "i don't need to write everything down and obsess; i am free. God is going to help me." and he has been. it hasn't been perfect and i'm still battling and praying against the enemy's lies saying i am not free - but i am free. the enemy has been defeated. what jon said a few weeks ago (when i knew God was pushing me to be open with my MMMm@10 about this struggle) got my heart too "the war was over. there are still battles, but the WAR is over." God wins. God always wins.

this is random, but sometimes i really find hanging out with my friends who go to good private schools to be hard. they get to take all these sweet theology classes and bible classes because they HAVE to. i get angry when i hear people complain about it...i would LOVE to have my actual HOMEWORK for a class be reading the Bible. my bible time is precious and an extra effort and usually all i have is my own brain to try to interpret it with...no super smart professor who has invested their entire life's work into figuring out what a certain passage in a certain context meant. seriously, that is sweet. don't take that for granted; that's a blessing.

there are a lot of reasons why i'm not at bethel or northwestern or even augsberg or something. mainly because i just didn't feel like that was where i was supposed to be! haha, but lately i don't know if i'm "supposed" to be anyplace, so whatever! there are moments (like this morning at work when i got to hug debbie) when i know this school is where God wants me, but it is a struggle at times.

make the most of every opportunity. the days are increasingly evil.

oof. burnin out!! i am desperately in need of some peace and quiet and a mental break. are the good grades worth it...it's seeming that they are not. i do want to get a lot out of my education, but is a good grade the only way i can show that i have gotten things out of my education?? in this system, it seems they are. good grades can get me scholarships and status and pride. meh. so yes i want good grades because i should be working hard and making the most of the opportunities i have...but i don't need perfect grades. can my definition of a good grade be a B?? yes. let's do that. maybe.

loneliness. solitude. desperation. sadness.

relationships. community. appreciation. joy.

I think women waiting to be pursued, or wait for the man to initiate a romantic relationship, is a way we glorify God. I hesitate to generalize and say all women desire this and feel this way...so i will blog about myself and my own life and ideas. So, I wait to be pursued because I want a man who is going to...be a man!

First off, I want to know that I am a treasure in this world that SCREAMS otherwise to me, and the love of Jesus and knowing how Jesus sees me is how I know that I am indeed a treasure. Thus I need a man who can show me that I am a treasure how Christ does which can only be from his love of Christ and his being loved by Christ.

Second off, and this is more practical, I need a man who will partner with me and do his part in our fight. One who has the courage to initiate a relationship with me - he's not a coward. It shows maturity, honesty, respectability, one who is going to man up or fight for you or take care of you when you need him.

you know, when I was in high school, I never thought that the men i date or marry should have to talk to my Dad first. i saw that as unnecessary and primitive.
Now...i do want that. i am blessed to have a great Christian Dad who loves me and takes care of me (and oh boy does he take care of me) and i bet he knows me in ways i don't even know myself. wouldn't that be amazing if the man who wants me would want my Dad's approval first? if this guy is gonna be taking over the provider role in my life...my Dad needs to be okay with it. It's a further way that shows me that I am a treasure, that these men care enough about me to have really really thought about this.

these thoughts came to me after listening to the latest mars hill sermon about dating. i no longer want to be used. i want to marry for holiness. i've chased men before and what Mark said is right, if you start chasing a man you're gonna be chasing him forever. oh boy have i lived in that! it sucks.

i'm not trying to say that a guy has to do all these things to me and i'm just going to sit back and take it. no. my eyes are open. but if I don't want to be used, i will not use him to just romance me to death in the idealized cultural definition. but, i am so excited to be able to be the responder. i want to encourage him; i want to grow in our faiths together; i want to be able to serve my husband because i love him! i actually want to be able to say "i belong to my husband."

maybe this is too honest and too intense...but i am finally really feeling peace about this and thus peace in my singleness. God knows my heart. i will not be single forever. "the goal is not to just have a good time but have a good legacy (Driscoll)."

i'm frustrated. we are all so self involved that we don't even give a thought to common curtosy for one another. i am guilty i know, but right now i'm super irritated because i am victim and have been victim ever since i moved in here. it just is obnoxious cos the parts i'm enjoying about college (education and personal expression/learning) aren't the things most people right now are enjoying about college (friends and parties). whatever. i have to get ready to go to work now.

funny. i'm making cds of worship songs for my small group girls and i realized there are only 4 songs on the hillsong united - united we stand album that we haven't played for camp or awol. crazy!

reading through old journals is always interesting. sometimes funny, sometimes painful, but always interesting. i was sorting through a drawer i hadnt looked in in a long time and i found an old journal from like 3 years ago that i had forgotten about cos i only filled in about half of it so i hadnt thrown it in my journal box with the rest of em.
it's funny about life though. looking back you i see how foolish i was about some stuff, but can also see how i have grown. it's funny too how i still have some of the same struggles, insecurities, things i'm always trying to overcome. that could make me depressed, but for some reason i see it more as each of us has our stuff that is hard for us and that makes us unique. so i am not depressed or discouraged, it actually makes things seem more clear to me as to why i am how i am.