Last night Zach asked what my goals were for my 20th year (well actually he asked what my "desires" were, and we all thought that was quite funny, but i think you needed to be there). i think i said a few things like know what i'm going to major in, be there for my girls as much as possible/be a better counselor, get to know jesus better, eagerly await until i turn 21 (but patiently), and maybe meet the husband (wishful thinking there, haha).

20 years now. 1/5 of a century. I was thinking today that it'll be 2017 when i turn 30. Heh heh.

Life thus far in summary: Moved 5 times before fourth grade, all towns lived in were small towns in Minnesota until the final move to the Twin Cities (where we stayed). i was the youngest child so i was kinda needy, whiny, wants attention. Middle school = ick. High School = choir. Mostly was single during high school. Started to go to awol and redeemer in 9/10th grade. Went on the mission trip to San Francisco and met many of the friends i still have today. Finally became social during these years! Went to prom and some other dances which i never thought i would get to go to when i was younger. Graduated. Single!! :) Went on Dts, first in Seattle and then outreach to India. Decided I wanted to be a lawyer so i could fight injustice. Got home in the spring and then waitressed. Whoo. College. Almost done with my first year at UMTC. Still single! It's been quite the crazy year. There are several things I wish would have happened differently and a few choices I regret, but also a ton of wonderful things have happened and a lot of things have been put into perspective. I've learned more about my character. It's been the hardest year of my life thus far and my world has been rocked in many ways.

After 1/5 of a century, I feel I have only just begun to scractch the surface of my identity. Each year we grow and change and learn more about ourselves and how our creator chooses to display himself through us. This is how it should be.

Does "love" need to be redefined? our culture has definatly defiled the meaning of love. ultimately, jesus is the meaning of love. 1 John 4:8 states "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Jesus is God. Jesus is love.
The dictionary says love is: "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; a sexual passion or desire."
Is this untrue? Or is it just not enough?
I've been convicted to realize that this culture's ideas about "romanticism" are not biblical. I'm learning to believe conventional dating, chick flicks, and our ideas about being rescued are not how the bible defines romance. The bible defines romance within the context of marriage. I think this is why so many women in recent years have been struggling with how to effectivly live as a single woman, due to the cultural trend of women getting married later and later (which by the way i've kinda decided i'm not a big fan of, for several reasons, but it's alright and in God's hands so i'm not worried).

John 15:12-14 - [Jesus speaking] "This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
This passage has captivated me lately, because it is basically defining true LOVE as laying down your life for your friends - and that's what Jesus has done. We cannot begin to measure up. We are friends of Jesus, therefore we must lay down our lives for him. Putting nothing before him. This has also been hitting me heavily lately. (It's been wonderful.)

Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb; DC Talk was right. This is why dating is weird, because it's all based off feelings. I dunno about other people, but mistakes I've made with relationships and crushes and all that sort of thing has taught me that sometimes my feelings are not reliable. Feeling are definatly not always holy. So I want to say that having feelings for someone is not a good enough reason to pursue a relationship...which does kind of suck because everything in this society tells us otherwise. I cannot just completely deny my desires to be romantisized (or wo-ed or hit on or whatever you want to call it) just like that. I've been primed to desire a man to swoop in and be my hero. But the Bible teaches me that JESUS IS THE HERO! And he's so much more than enough.

1 Cor 13:4-6: Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous, boastful or proud. It is not rude; it does not demand it's own way. It is not self-seeking. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

That's love. Not a feeling, not a physical attraction that grows into something. It's different. It's hard to comprehend. It must be worked at and treated as an action and not just an emotion. It must be valued. It must be considered within the context of the cross. Will I love my future husband with the love that Christ displayed on the cross? I pray with all my heart that I will.

life is not worth living if only because of you. and when they say that i am dead and gone - it won't be further from the truth.

but i'll tell you flat out it hurts so much to think of this - so from my thoughts i will exclude the very thing that i hate more than everything - how i'm powerless to dictate my own moves.

when i go down it hurts to hit the bottom.
and all the things that got me there, i think "if only i had fought them."

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands; my ever-present 'conscience' shakes his head and repremands me then and there. "i confess - i blame all this on my selfishness."
yet you love me.
it consumes me.
i'll stand up again and do so willingly.

i've thrown away the hope i've had in friendships; i've thrown away so many things that could have been much more.

and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
but that's not the way it works.
no, that's not the way it works.

i'm so ready to be found.

relient k - when i go down.

this blog will be very scattered as i am tired and kinda hyper all at the same time. first of all...i've decided whoever my future husband is is going to have to hold his own and set me straight...but lovingly and encouragingly...cos sometimes i just like to talk and ramble and i get excited and passionate and kinda spew inaccuracy. whoever that dude is - he's gonna rock and it will be sweet. second of all...i think i'm going to get my butt kicked this semester unless i ace all my finals which will most likely not happen. third of all, abby is going to mozambique! luckily its only for 3 weeks. but then theres finals week, one week off and then i leave for mexio. i tell ya, every chance i get to spend time with her i am grateful for the woman she is, how she cares about me, and how much i see jesus in her. fourth of all...these past few weeks or so have been different for me, but in a good way. there have been days i've felt like everything just makes perfect sense. i love when it feels like that, but it cannot always be that way because salvation and our relationship needs to be a process and continually growing. i understand that and know that's how it should be. it's hard when your past is literally breathing down your spine and when friends are the ones leading you into temptation. my hope is in more. it's hard, but encouraging when you find yourself in the situation where you can go one way or the other and you chose the latter. "cos now that you're near everything is different. and i know i'm not the same; my life you've changed. and i want to be with you." -hillsong

yes, my somewhat-core group of friends/brothers & sisters in JC have hurt me at times. they've made me feel worthless. the opposite is true too. i've felt more love from some of these same people than anyone ever in my life. i've seen Jesus though them, and I feel that completely trumps and erases the few times i've felt ignored. at times i've felt bad, i've thought about leaving. "i have some good friends at school and i can be with them." but i can never do that, and i was wondering why. i think i know, it's because some of those people i have known for a long time now and they have seen me in every way. they've seen me filled. broken. fallen. down. out. depressed. raised up again. pressing on. passionate. yes i've met good people here - but they still don't know me in that intimate way that i crave, and with classes and pursuing our goals taking up our time, it's hard to find time to have the conversations that create intimate relationships. maybe that's why i get annoyed here time to time, cos it's like there are still parts of me these people don't know, and it's not like i'm trying to hide anything - it just hasn't happened yet.