Feeling you've let your Father (the omnipotent one) down is more upsetting than feeling like men are disappointed in you. However, our Father is the grace-giver, isn't he!? Humans are so reluctant to give grace; it's our nature. Not making excuses, just saying that it is hard for us. When I find out of people's sin, I want the first thought I have to be "God loves them and will give them grace," not "That sin separates you from God and is bad and you are bad because of it."

Lately when I sin, I think, "O crap, God. This isn't want I really want." Seriously if anyone saw my prayer journal from yesterday morning I probably said "Crap God" like ten times. The thing is though that lately I understand God gives me grace and I am not depressed or guilt ridden by my sin (because I've been there and now I pray against that). The grace of God and knowing salvation gives true joy. Jesus is my friend. And I really really like him.

"Shall we then keep sinning so grace can increase all the more? Certainly not." says Paul. But we will always be sinning cos we are not God. How can we not sin? We cannot. Ah. This is humanity's struggle isn't it? We know sin is bad and we shouldn't sin but we can't help it and can't stop sinning. God gives us grace but we shouldn't keep sinning because we know God will give us grace...it's a paradox isn't it?

it's funny how you can know what you need to do and/or are supposed to be doing but cannot implement it. isn't this the empirical dilemma of the college student (concerning school matters i guess). oof. that's been so much of my life. but God is helping me walk away (FINALLY.) It's amazing. Things are far from perfect and I'm not yet completely where i want to be but God is taking me in steps at a time. Whoo!

the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. let that not be a list i/we ramble off.

in the quiet, in the stillness i know that you are God. in the chaos, in confusion i know that i am restored. when you call i won't refuse; each new day again i'll choose - there is not one else for me.

something is up. lets be honest. something is wrong . i know because i'm biting my nails and overeating which is how i react to stress and/or depression (and spending money, but i dont have a lot to spend but i have bought a few unnecessary things lately). i can think of about 20 things that by themselves i have written off as a stressor but not a huge deal. maybe all of them added up is stressing me out. i hope this goes away cos i dont like biting my nails and overeating. it makes me feel gross. i was gonna do some soc reading but now i think it's best if i just go to sleep cos i feel cruddy.