finals done. 5 days until mexico. you know, it hasnt fully registered that i am going to another country in 5 days. i'm excited i guess, but i feel suprisingly indifferent. i think i'm just that way though, i only get super excited/anticipatory a) when the event is a long ways away and b) the day before leaving. it was the same way with india. i did realize today that i probably should brush up on my spanish a lil bit as i've been out of practice for a few months and am about to embark on complete submersion. oof. i pray this experience goes well, wouldn't it be great if i came home with super sick spanish skills??

one day er so left. boys have all either left or are moving out right now. had a poli sci final this mornin and i think it went pretty well. i have to go to work in an hour and i don't wanna. i still have a geology final tomarrow morn (yep on a saturday) and i don't wanna. everyone else is done but most are just not leaving until tomarrow. erg. i am tired. this week has been very stressful. sucks cos i've been cramming like crazy but all i've wanted to do is chill with people cos we're all leaving. dang it. and i havent even looked at my geo stuff for my final tomarrow and now tonight is friday night. but i imagine it will be pretty quiet around here since the boys are all gone. :( sad times! this was a good year. erg, i might go nap...? ooh and a week and a day until i leave for mexico!! exciting but a lil nerveracking. me=overloaded.

Last night Zach asked what my goals were for my 20th year (well actually he asked what my "desires" were, and we all thought that was quite funny, but i think you needed to be there). i think i said a few things like know what i'm going to major in, be there for my girls as much as possible/be a better counselor, get to know jesus better, eagerly await until i turn 21 (but patiently), and maybe meet the husband (wishful thinking there, haha).

20 years now. 1/5 of a century. I was thinking today that it'll be 2017 when i turn 30. Heh heh.

Life thus far in summary: Moved 5 times before fourth grade, all towns lived in were small towns in Minnesota until the final move to the Twin Cities (where we stayed). i was the youngest child so i was kinda needy, whiny, wants attention. Middle school = ick. High School = choir. Mostly was single during high school. Started to go to awol and redeemer in 9/10th grade. Went on the mission trip to San Francisco and met many of the friends i still have today. Finally became social during these years! Went to prom and some other dances which i never thought i would get to go to when i was younger. Graduated. Single!! :) Went on Dts, first in Seattle and then outreach to India. Decided I wanted to be a lawyer so i could fight injustice. Got home in the spring and then waitressed. Whoo. College. Almost done with my first year at UMTC. Still single! It's been quite the crazy year. There are several things I wish would have happened differently and a few choices I regret, but also a ton of wonderful things have happened and a lot of things have been put into perspective. I've learned more about my character. It's been the hardest year of my life thus far and my world has been rocked in many ways.

After 1/5 of a century, I feel I have only just begun to scractch the surface of my identity. Each year we grow and change and learn more about ourselves and how our creator chooses to display himself through us. This is how it should be.

Does "love" need to be redefined? our culture has definatly defiled the meaning of love. ultimately, jesus is the meaning of love. 1 John 4:8 states "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." Jesus is God. Jesus is love.
The dictionary says love is: "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection; a sexual passion or desire."
Is this untrue? Or is it just not enough?
I've been convicted to realize that this culture's ideas about "romanticism" are not biblical. I'm learning to believe conventional dating, chick flicks, and our ideas about being rescued are not how the bible defines romance. The bible defines romance within the context of marriage. I think this is why so many women in recent years have been struggling with how to effectivly live as a single woman, due to the cultural trend of women getting married later and later (which by the way i've kinda decided i'm not a big fan of, for several reasons, but it's alright and in God's hands so i'm not worried).

John 15:12-14 - [Jesus speaking] "This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."
This passage has captivated me lately, because it is basically defining true LOVE as laying down your life for your friends - and that's what Jesus has done. We cannot begin to measure up. We are friends of Jesus, therefore we must lay down our lives for him. Putting nothing before him. This has also been hitting me heavily lately. (It's been wonderful.)

Love is not a feeling. Love is a verb; DC Talk was right. This is why dating is weird, because it's all based off feelings. I dunno about other people, but mistakes I've made with relationships and crushes and all that sort of thing has taught me that sometimes my feelings are not reliable. Feeling are definatly not always holy. So I want to say that having feelings for someone is not a good enough reason to pursue a relationship...which does kind of suck because everything in this society tells us otherwise. I cannot just completely deny my desires to be romantisized (or wo-ed or hit on or whatever you want to call it) just like that. I've been primed to desire a man to swoop in and be my hero. But the Bible teaches me that JESUS IS THE HERO! And he's so much more than enough.

1 Cor 13:4-6: Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous, boastful or proud. It is not rude; it does not demand it's own way. It is not self-seeking. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

That's love. Not a feeling, not a physical attraction that grows into something. It's different. It's hard to comprehend. It must be worked at and treated as an action and not just an emotion. It must be valued. It must be considered within the context of the cross. Will I love my future husband with the love that Christ displayed on the cross? I pray with all my heart that I will.

life is not worth living if only because of you. and when they say that i am dead and gone - it won't be further from the truth.

but i'll tell you flat out it hurts so much to think of this - so from my thoughts i will exclude the very thing that i hate more than everything - how i'm powerless to dictate my own moves.

when i go down it hurts to hit the bottom.
and all the things that got me there, i think "if only i had fought them."

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands; my ever-present 'conscience' shakes his head and repremands me then and there. "i confess - i blame all this on my selfishness."
yet you love me.
it consumes me.
i'll stand up again and do so willingly.

i've thrown away the hope i've had in friendships; i've thrown away so many things that could have been much more.

and i just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
but that's not the way it works.
no, that's not the way it works.

i'm so ready to be found.

relient k - when i go down.

this blog will be very scattered as i am tired and kinda hyper all at the same time. first of all...i've decided whoever my future husband is is going to have to hold his own and set me straight...but lovingly and encouragingly...cos sometimes i just like to talk and ramble and i get excited and passionate and kinda spew inaccuracy. whoever that dude is - he's gonna rock and it will be sweet. second of all...i think i'm going to get my butt kicked this semester unless i ace all my finals which will most likely not happen. third of all, abby is going to mozambique! luckily its only for 3 weeks. but then theres finals week, one week off and then i leave for mexio. i tell ya, every chance i get to spend time with her i am grateful for the woman she is, how she cares about me, and how much i see jesus in her. fourth of all...these past few weeks or so have been different for me, but in a good way. there have been days i've felt like everything just makes perfect sense. i love when it feels like that, but it cannot always be that way because salvation and our relationship needs to be a process and continually growing. i understand that and know that's how it should be. it's hard when your past is literally breathing down your spine and when friends are the ones leading you into temptation. my hope is in more. it's hard, but encouraging when you find yourself in the situation where you can go one way or the other and you chose the latter. "cos now that you're near everything is different. and i know i'm not the same; my life you've changed. and i want to be with you." -hillsong

yes, my somewhat-core group of friends/brothers & sisters in JC have hurt me at times. they've made me feel worthless. the opposite is true too. i've felt more love from some of these same people than anyone ever in my life. i've seen Jesus though them, and I feel that completely trumps and erases the few times i've felt ignored. at times i've felt bad, i've thought about leaving. "i have some good friends at school and i can be with them." but i can never do that, and i was wondering why. i think i know, it's because some of those people i have known for a long time now and they have seen me in every way. they've seen me filled. broken. fallen. down. out. depressed. raised up again. pressing on. passionate. yes i've met good people here - but they still don't know me in that intimate way that i crave, and with classes and pursuing our goals taking up our time, it's hard to find time to have the conversations that create intimate relationships. maybe that's why i get annoyed here time to time, cos it's like there are still parts of me these people don't know, and it's not like i'm trying to hide anything - it just hasn't happened yet.

its interesting how with technology we've migrated from political cartoons to youtube videos and such. i thought this one was funny: http://www.jibjab.com/what_we_call_the_news

theres a mountain of snow outside right now. the university of minnesota is not closed although all the other colleges in the area are...augsberg is right next to us (literally across the street on the west bank) and they're closed, not us! wtev, it's okay - i'm just very exhausted.

posessing intrapersonal intelligence includes having an accurate perception of your strengths and weaknesses. i just wrote a psych paper on how having intrapersonal intelligence is important. i've been wondering if mine isn't what i think it is, which is kinda a paradox if you think about it. i just wondering where i can draw the line of not doing things in your own strength and not doing things because i really can't.

well i need to go trek through the snow to go to class and then work.

man i'm tired.

today as i was photocopying and listening to mars hill podscasts (aka working) i was thinking about what if jesus had been married. and i know he wasn't (da vinci code is pure fiction and the hype is nonsense), and i don't believe it was either God's plan for him to take a wife AND/OR was it a desire of his heart for him to. But what if it had been? I dunno, I don't think it would have made that big of a difference, but maybe it would have given us a better idea of how to treat our spouses. Hmmm, but if he'd have married, the woman is not God as he is and is therefore imperfect. So how would that work? She'd sin against him eventually, but he'd forgive her. He'd be tempted to get angry with her, or ignore her or something of that sort - but wouldn't. Hmmm...would it have given us a better picture of marriage? Or would it just pose more problems?
Looking at the book of Ruth and all the sacrifices Boaz made for Ruth and also how Ruth respected Boaz...just the wisdom of both of them...I just get frustrated because there just don't seem to be men out there who want to be the pursuer. I am willing (and frankly excited) to submit to my future husband, but he has to be wise enough to earn that trust, you know? And that's biblical - woman's role as the "helper," cos somtimes...they need a lil help. Haha.

i love the jp moreland quote that says "people's character isn't formed by decisions all at once, but by thousands of little choices they make everyday wihtout even knowing about it." i've been thinking about decisions i've made and how they've effected my life. like what would have happened if i'd have picked a different college? never gone on dts? stayed with ywam? never gone to redeemer? i dunno. good thing my identity isn't based on a certain decision, but by the ways i express who i am. good thing....right??

God is so interesting. And i know we will never understand everything, and sometimes it's painful to try. I just spent the last 5 days at Faith Haven counseling my high school girls about relationships and sex. Tonight I had a tricky conversation with my Dad about like abortion and boundaries and grey areas with the subject. My sister just came home and we just spent the last hour discussing male/female roles in the church and in relationships and society. It's interesting cos I'm pretty much all about the heirarchy of God, then Man, then Woman - however respecting each other and putting God first. I feel like people want to believe so badly that men and women are equal in all respects - esp when it comes to teaching in the church...but the Bible simply does not say that. It says repeatedly that women should be silent - but yes women were uneducated so it's moreso a call for women to be educated, but men are also an authority figure and women should repect and submit to that. It's interesting though. I guess I believe women are called to be smart and wise, and to have nobel character - but men are also called to be responsible, loving, nurturing, wise and know their Bible so they can answer their wives questions, respectful, etc. Both sexes have responsibilities God wants - and both fall short. It's not fair to blame a gender for the downfall of society or lame a gender for problems (like concerning abuse). We need to understand our differences and rather than point the finger at each other we should embrace how we each reflect the character of God differently.

why do we feel compelled to post our lives on the internet? it's crazy that deep down, we do want to be close to people, but we are scared of it so we use the internet as a means to be passive to seek people out. why do we talk over aim instead of calling people? it's seriosuly twisted; i've had many a conversation over aim that i didn't have the guts to say in person. and facebook - holy cow. i dont know how people can survive here at the U without one. you're pretty much a social exile. i even have a class (choir) that uses it's facebook group as the primary way the director communicated with us. myspace is like the facebook for high schoolers and middle schoolers, but it seems facebook is different cos it's like you create your own special little communities so people share a lot more information (and can stalk each other...and people talk about stalking each other and think its funny...it's completely normal!!) why would we rather just post on someone's wall instead of actually calling them? it takes less time to just say a few sentances - after all time is the currency of the college student. why do we blog (although i dont think anyone reads my blog anyway so its pretty private) and journal online? we want people to care about our thoughts and opinions - but we dont have normal conversations anymore.

hah.

and the plot thickens!!! guess what the topic was at cru tonight?

missions and the nations.

and i have a huge exam tomarrow so i was considereing not even going tonite, but i seriously felt like God wanted me to go, and then Charlie says "tonight we're going to talk about the nations"

my jaw dropped, i was so squirmy...

something bigger than me is happening.

and i don't feel like it's an immediate "drop everything and go" call, but its a call for sure. it has to be. i just need to seek what in the world that is (or where in the world for that matter, haha) and all of that. something. but why now? why all this at once? maybe cos it got my attention.

but yeah, something bigger than me is happening. and that's how it should be.

this morning i was walking on campus and saw this flyer for a seminar on genocide in darfur. i was like "woah i totally should go to that!" lil background, God totally lit a fire in me on my dts for wanting to fight injustice, and this is why i am going to pursue a law degree. but to be honest i've felt like it's been going out since coming home (until now kinda). but anyway i went to the seminar which was good, and the genocide intervention network had one of their speakers there. this same organization had just spoken at awol on sunday night and i felt like i needed to get involved with them or at least be more active and informed about darfur and other social injustices. so this lady was talking about how we can get involved, just kinda listing things to do and she made reference to something like "3 of our representatives went out this weekend and 60 kids emptied their pockets to fight against the genocide." i was so touched!!! those are our/my kids!!! they set an example for a huge room full of students, grad students, profesors, etc! real exciting. oh another thing that added to the craziness - so i work for the library basically copying articles from periodicals and sending them to other schools. and one of the articles i copied today was about the genocide in darfur. (i made an extra copy for myself) you know, i swear that before this weekend i think i knew basically nothing about what was going on and now its like bam. maybe God's trying to get my attention...?

accountability is a rough thing...cos it works doesn't it? im restricted in a way, but not in a bad way - its better for me in the end but it's hard. and in my heart i know what i ought to do but not doing it is so much more appealing. just like studying and doing my homework and going to class - my emotions and actions are all interrelated.
i'm in such an interesting place. the decisions i make today effect the rest of my life, as well as decisions i've made in the past. this is my life and "are you who want to be?" but its hard. this stage of life could quite possibly be the hardest one.

insecurity arose; podcasts are cool

yesterday i got a little frustrated at cru. and this is the sad part, has nothing to do with a theological disagreement, faulty logic, or anything like that...Foos was making fun of Steve for dating a girl in high school who was taller than him. Now one must understand that this is a major insecurity for me. I am a very tall girl. 5'11". I've kinda grown to hate it. Blamed it for my lack of boyfriends/relationships. So, this kinda reinforced that insecurity - plus everyone was laughing at him and thought it was really funny. So this made kinda hurt on different levels. I kno it's really not a big deal and i'm not gonna make much of it, but i just didn't think that it was funny.

i found one of my favorite dts' speakers blogs which led to me finding his podcasts - which i am listening to one right now. i have a whole bunch of them now and am looking forward to listening to them at work cos that's what i've begun to like doing instead of listeining to music while i'm mindlessly rummaging through the stacks of books in the libraries. some of the topics he talked about on my dts but i'm sure there are others. pretty sweet. i love the mars hill podcasts and want to move back to Seattle just so i can go back to that church and i just might someday. i wonder if any of my other dts speakers have podcasts. i think i want to go look now.

lazy lazy sunday

what a day! i got some work done but it feels like i didn't get anything done.
a) i've been in my pajamas alllll day
b) i didn't shower
c) i only left my room/floor to go have lunch and dinner; didn't leave the building once
d) spent waaaaayyy too much time on facebook
e) watched movies all day (granted one was one i had to watch for my spanish project)
f) slept until like noon

etc etc. o sad.

so ijm was featured on the today show. check it out. ijm is such an amazing organization - i hope to be working with them someday.

charity reminded me today that harrison (this neat kid we met once really randomly) is michelle bachman's son. i do remember having that conversatoin. i was gonna make a facebook group called "i'm voting for harrison's mom." that'd be funny, but me n that guy dont know each other hardly at all so it might be weird, but funny...

so much work to do this weekend. eesh. choir concert tomarrow night, but it shouldn't be too long. im gonna skip algebra tomarrow morning cos i want to go work out. so i should get to sleep so i can wake up - hah. saturday plans are up in the air but i think im gonna go to the homecoming game if i can wrastle up a ticket.

awh i miss seattle!

awh, i just found a bunch of peeps from ywam's blogs on here! i miss everybody - part of me would absoultly love to move back to seattle. i'm actually considering it tho, if i do end up in law school i'll probably go to univerisity of washington. part of it is i really want to go to mars hill again, haha. i download podcasts and listen to them like obsessivly...i get so much out of them, more than my home church to be honest. so unless something unforeseen happens (which is likely) - ill be there.

also i think i might be going to mexico for like 3 weeks this summer...maybe...im thinking about it cos i would get credit for spanish 1004 and it'd almost cost the same as taking the class and i'd get to live in mexico with a family! the only thing i was thinking about is i still think i'd have to pass the EPT to be done w/spanish so i'd have to pass w/o taking real 1004...which i think i might be able to do but i dunno. plus if i'm gone for 3-4 weeks that's less money i make at work - but i'm prob going back to sammy's so at least i wont have to job hunt, and i'll just have to try to save more. but it'd be fun to go to mexico - i guess i should tell my parents i'm thinking about this, ahah.