i can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on and there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes - still i will praise you.

oh no - you never let go through the calm and through the storm. you never let go of me.

if my God is with me, who then shall i fear!?!?!

i am leading a hidden life. i've always attributed myself as one who does not hide things well. well, i think i've gotten over that because i am hiding. not necessarily from God but from others. i hide my conviction of sin and my hate for my sin because i'm scared of messing up again and giving them the wrong impression of Christians. maybe i need that for accountability though. maybe i need to give it all more time. i've been just kinda going about my life and going and doing my own thing ignoring community as Christ would have it. i'm getting scared of God in a way because i cannot be perfect, but i can be set apart...but that requires commitment doesn't it.

i feel alone. i feel fallen. i am hidden.

you know what would be nice? meeting the perfect guy. yeah a guy who loves Jesus and likes me for me and will pursue. who sees me as worth his time. who has the same taste in music and like to make music and go to shows. who isn't super conservative or super liberal but has an open mind to challenge new things. preferably an indie rocker kinda guy would be sweet too...

so i'm doing weight watchers which is hard for me to tell people about for some reason. it's been about a week and a half and it's hard but not! i just really need to get overeating under control and i prayed about it for quite awhile actually and felt like it was something God wanted me to do. the hardest thing is praying through it all, reminding myself that the main reason is so God is the center of my focus, not food as an instant satisfaction. i've been bothered by my weight for years and have only seen it go up, so hopefully this helps me!
anyway so i was curious and looked up how many point a chipotle burrito is...and a chicken burrito made just how they make it is 28 points!!!!! My daily limit is 26 right now. I mean i'm not suprised i guess, i knew those things were bad for you, but it's just crazy how that one meal is more than my total suggested daily intake and i used to eat those all the time. sick dude.

Feeling you've let your Father (the omnipotent one) down is more upsetting than feeling like men are disappointed in you. However, our Father is the grace-giver, isn't he!? Humans are so reluctant to give grace; it's our nature. Not making excuses, just saying that it is hard for us. When I find out of people's sin, I want the first thought I have to be "God loves them and will give them grace," not "That sin separates you from God and is bad and you are bad because of it."

Lately when I sin, I think, "O crap, God. This isn't want I really want." Seriously if anyone saw my prayer journal from yesterday morning I probably said "Crap God" like ten times. The thing is though that lately I understand God gives me grace and I am not depressed or guilt ridden by my sin (because I've been there and now I pray against that). The grace of God and knowing salvation gives true joy. Jesus is my friend. And I really really like him.

"Shall we then keep sinning so grace can increase all the more? Certainly not." says Paul. But we will always be sinning cos we are not God. How can we not sin? We cannot. Ah. This is humanity's struggle isn't it? We know sin is bad and we shouldn't sin but we can't help it and can't stop sinning. God gives us grace but we shouldn't keep sinning because we know God will give us grace...it's a paradox isn't it?

it's funny how you can know what you need to do and/or are supposed to be doing but cannot implement it. isn't this the empirical dilemma of the college student (concerning school matters i guess). oof. that's been so much of my life. but God is helping me walk away (FINALLY.) It's amazing. Things are far from perfect and I'm not yet completely where i want to be but God is taking me in steps at a time. Whoo!

the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. let that not be a list i/we ramble off.

in the quiet, in the stillness i know that you are God. in the chaos, in confusion i know that i am restored. when you call i won't refuse; each new day again i'll choose - there is not one else for me.

something is up. lets be honest. something is wrong . i know because i'm biting my nails and overeating which is how i react to stress and/or depression (and spending money, but i dont have a lot to spend but i have bought a few unnecessary things lately). i can think of about 20 things that by themselves i have written off as a stressor but not a huge deal. maybe all of them added up is stressing me out. i hope this goes away cos i dont like biting my nails and overeating. it makes me feel gross. i was gonna do some soc reading but now i think it's best if i just go to sleep cos i feel cruddy.

i hope that someday i will write a book. someday when i am older and wiser. i once asked God for the gift of wisdom, which he has given at the times he deemed right, and i think that would be a sweet way for that to come out. i bet it would probably mention somewhere in there the approximate total dollars spent on "coffee" at dunn bros, caribou, starbucks, and all the indie coffee shops while i was in college and how that total may have been close to what i was paying for my actual education...ha.

it's a shame no one reads my blog. not cos i think i'm cool and that peeps should read it, in fact the opposite...i think peeps would be entertained by my triviality and/or stupidity...ha again!!

i'm a product of my independent culture. in a way, i need my independence so survive my culture. without it, my 20 plus years of mostly singleness would have been miserable. but i do go most things alone. my closest friends and family don't know all my issues although i generally tell people what's goin on when i ask. i don't like to hide stuff, which is maybe why it's so hard. i let diff people know different things and if all my friends sat and talked about me then maybe they'd know me. i'm just sick of it. i want community. i want inclusivenesses. i want to see the love of Jesus, in so many ways.

you just truly never know how much time you have. i've driven on that bridge so many times. i would've been driving on it tues night had i gone to edina and it could've easily broken then too. my dad and i drive on the 10th st bridge right across from 35w everyday and were on that one 45 minutes before 35w collapsed. but i've been avoiding that part of 35w all summer cos the construction was so annoying. it's crazy how big of a deal this is though. national news, network journalists flying in, president is involved and flying in...it's just so crazy.

i have been thinking about this almost non-stop since it happened. people may kind of wonder why as i am safe and besides having to add some extra time to my commute it didn't really affect me, on the surface. as far as i know, none of my friends were anywhere near there when it happened. you just really never know what day may be your last. just looking at the people who texted me...jess, laura...those are the relationships that matter. i'm so grateful for my life. i want to go home and be with Jesus whenever it happens I am ready for it, but at the same time I am very grateful for my life. A home with my family always waiting, my friends, the opportunity for education...i am blessed. God is good. Even when things are disastrous and don't make sense, God is very good.

you just never know. that phrase keeps repeating over and over in my mind. you just never know. "don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself," cos you don't even know if there will be a tomorrow. you just never know.

there is a cultural trend in my generation and the previous one, we are all waiting until we are older until we get married. my mom and grandma married at 21. I am 20 and would be okay with being married if that's where God calls, but everyone today thinks that 20 is way too young to get married. Most women are waiting until they are almost 30 to get married. so i was thinking why is this? I have several ideas, some have secular reasons and some Godly reasons...

1. Divorce. God has seen the pattern of divorce so prevalent in this society, so he is calling more of us to a longer season of singleness to know him better and to teach us about ourselves and each other so that we are truly complete in him when we do marry. However, this implies that we are actually seeking God's will for our lives and listening to him.

2. Feminism and the Male ego. We all want to have their our together and want to have made a name for ourselves in our careers before pursuing a relationship. With money being so difficult for a lot of people, this could be a decent idea, but what if you miss something God had for you because you were so focused on "my life must be perfect before I allow myself to be in a relationship?" We are sinners and our lives will never be perfect.

3. Immaturity and "Wild oats to sow." Our culture throws the idea of serial dating and kissing whoever and sleeping around in order to find a good relationship. Therefore, many of us spend our lives partying and dating and hooking up unconcerned with the future, unconcerned with legacy, unconcerned with how Jesus modeled relationships. We go throughout college single because we don't want to be tied down. We don't want responsibility. We are told to "get to know" as many men and women as possible before you are married because once you're married...that is it. We think of marriage as a prison (ball and chain) instead of a beautiful representation of Christ's love for the church and taking her as his bride. Complete opposites.

Maybe there isn't a reason, but it is interesting to consider. I would like to think it is the first one, maybe it is for some, but the other 2 reasons are indeed what some are doing in our culture. However, God is calling us to be careful in who we date and all the more careful in choosing who we will marry. Singleness is a gift and can/should never be taken back once it is gone. So marriage at 21 or at 35, whatever would glorify my God!

Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. For if anyone with a weak conscience sees you..this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and would their weak conscience YOU SIN AGAINST CHRIST. Therefore if what i eat causes my brother to fall into sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I will not cause him to fall.
1 Cor 8:9-13

Or if how I dance, how I dress, how I speak causes my brothers or sisters to sin, I will stop it so I will not cause him to fall. O how I wish we lived like this. I wish we valued each other like we value Christ. This is convicting, challenging, and heart breaking, because I definitely do not see this happening. What if my friends cared enough about me to not drink around me because they know I'm tempted and not 21? What if they loved me enough to not make sexual jokes because they know I think it's inappropriate and it's hard? Honestly, I'd still feel bad cos I'd feel like they were just trying to baby me while I was around. Not so much with the drinking, but with the joking, but with the joking I feel that's a heart issue and we shouldn't be joking like that at all. "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." But what if we loved each other enough to do this? This is why I've been trying to dress more modestly lately. This is the biggest conviction I've ever had to do so, that if what I do causes my brother to fall I will not do it because that is true love. So I will cover myself because I love my brothers. I just wonder who Jesus is trying to be right now and how are we limiting it because of "freedom" becoming too free to the point of being completely in the world. it just doesn't seem right that your Christian friends joke about sex and drink more than your non-Christian friends. "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." isnt that holy? shouldn't we not defile it with coarse joking? i just don't think we should be really accepting some of the things which we have been accepting for years.

"seek first his kingdom."

holy cow i am bored. so this blog will have nothing intelligent or interesting, just me venting and sorting out some technical stuff.
so...i think i'm going to end up paying about $700 to park my car at my apartment building. the website says it's $85 a month but i hope they don't be like you have to pay for a whole semester instead of monthly...cos the main reason i need my car is to get to awol (well and to go to the guy's house and such but wtev) and we don't have much awol in december and the semester doesn't start up again until january 22nd and i think i'm gonna be out of town most of winter break anyway so i dont wanna pay for those months or may cos we don't have awol in may...and i dunno if they call a "month" like aug 15 to sept 15 or all of august cos i'm moving in aug 15 so i dont wanna pay for all of august if i'm only getting 15 days. but the dumb people when i call and when i email can't answer my questions straightly. obnoxious. i love this school but this is lame. aw well i'm trying to look at it this way, if i went to bethel i'd be paying $30,000 a year for everything and i'm paying close to $20,000...maybe i can spring for the parking...i really really want my car. and the streets are not a good option as i discovered this morning. if i'm coming home late at night i do not want to be walking alone in the dark out there. i think the money for the safety of myself and my car may be worth it...except i am very poor. but i just had an interview and if they give me the job i'd be able to work at the library still this month and start working at this place for the rest of august...might have to do some schedule jumbling at the library but hopefully it'd be okay. that'd be nice cos i'll get more hours. the info desk job pays $8 per hour until i've done 250 hours and then it pays almost $8.50. so if i like it hopefully i could work like full time next summer and get like $8.50 and i guess you can pick up shifts being security at random coffman stuff like checking bags or coats and get $10 an hour...wow this would be sweet if it worked out. i don't interview well. i always fumble the questions they ask and talk too fast and act awkward. bah! i need to take that class like showing you how to write a resume and interview and all that. i should cos i need some crap credits to graduate early like i want/could. i wonder if i'll end up going to law school . William Mitchel is about $15,000 for tuition. that's pretty much the cheapest i've found. if i could get reciprocity for UND (which looks like MN doesn't which SUCKS) their tuition is like $9000. I kinda don't want to live in Grand Forks, but holy cow St. Thomas tuition is like $30,000. That's just tuition, include costs of living (could live at home...nooooo Steph wants to be married by then and living at home will not be conducive to that plan) and I'm up to like $40,000 a year. Ack, why is life so expensive??

Do not worry about your life. The clothes in your closet, the numbers on the scale, the amount in your bank account. Isn't life more important than the comforts of money and skinny-ness? And why do you worry about where and when you'll shop? Look at Indian women who have no money and yet dress so vibrantly and full of life. Even an abercrombie model in all their hotness does not look as beautiful as she. Do not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come and go regardless of your stress.

this summer is going by waaaay too slow.

tonight i realized that i am a fundamentalist. to be honest i don't think i really grasped what the word meant and i think i don't fully, but we had some pretty intense theological conversation tonight and i realized yeah, i kind of have become a fundamentalist. and i think it's right.
i believe GOD wrote the Bible and it is perfect and true and those who call themselves Christians need to use the Bible as the be all and end all because the whole Bible is ultimately about Jesus. Yes men are flawed and imperfect but one way or another in God's omnipotence he oversaw all that was being put into the Bible because "in the beginning was the Word [big W not little w] and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning." Jesus was always there and his Word is GOD in the flesh. We cannot base our lives off feelings which are fleeting and flawed. How do we always know for sure we are hearing God's voice? The Bible is our gift, because through the Bible we can experience who God is. He tells us his character on each page.
i believe God is all powerful. i believe God is always present. i believe God is all knowing. and i believe his word is perfect and true. if that makes me a fundamentalist, fine i accept the negative connotations with the word fundamentalist and take the label.

i don't want to make wrong assumptions but it's like i can't fight my woman's intuition to think/overthink when i observe the actions of others. however i'm not stupid, and as much as i'd like to assume the best and give others the benefit of the doubt...

i hate alcohol. i hate that it's such a big deal for people. i hate how it pretty much killed my grandpa physically and did completely destroy his family. i hate how it is such a temptation for so many. i hate how people get addicted. i hate how it turns good people into being irresponsible and inconsiderate. that's why God is God and we are not. he knew what he was talking about when he said "hey, don't get drunk it's gonna make you do dumb stuff. instead, be filled with the spirit." filled with the spirit. that's all the drink i need.

it is not good to be alone he said. how can i satisfy my desire to serve others when i am going to be the one in need of other's service?

will i be able to fulfill my calling? will my friends, family, strangers, and the rest of the world be okay with me doing something else? will they believe me when i say that my desire to be a mom is just as strong as my desire to be a lawyer and i know God doesn't mind whichever way i go as long as i glorify him? the world does not accept that. this world of feminism and working mothers does not accept a stay at home mom as a full time job. and i don't need to do it forever, but for a period of time i do because i want to be the woman raising my kids. i want them to know me and i want to know them. why is that so iffy? shouldn't it be beautiful? i guess one could think i'm wasting my 4 year degree but it's not like i'm never ever going to work and my major is going to be diverse enough that i could do many jobs. and even marriage and kids aside...i don't know if law school is for me. i don't feel God called me to law school specifically, it is just one way i can satisfy the calling he's placed in me to fight injustice. it's broad, it's not limited just to law school - so why do i limit it? children having crappy parents and not believing they are loved and growing up not knowing the goodness of Jesus Christ is the ultimate injustice.

Sometimes it seems whenever i feel i'm getting a handle on it all and really understanding the character of God, something is thrown into the mix and messes me all up again. maybe that's how it should be though. we will never be able to have it all together and life will never make perfect sense, otherwise what would we need God for? I need God cos I am such a mess and completely depraved individual. My sins deserve death. How humbling to really consider, and really understand, that every sin is a wound Christ had to bear on the cross. Each transgression. Sometimes it seems Christianity is all about finding balances. Because it's finding the balance between not dwelling on sins to the point of self-deprication and admitting we are depraved people which we can humbly accept grace. And we'll never be able to completely get a handle on it. So praise be to God, cos he can handle it for us.

i need to plan my jumpstart for camp. but i'm gettin tired. i'm watching music and lyrics but not really watching it...just registered for my LPE screening test which is like 3 days after i get back from camp...i need to do well on it. bah.

mexico was pretty sweet. lotsa interesting-ness. the class was pretty intensive and kinda difficult. learned a lil salsa, traveled around a lil bit, found a few drinks i really like...all in all twas a pretty decent experience. i just missed my friends a lot, so it's been nice to chill with them this week.